Why Me? – Eastport South Manor (2011)

Kaitlyn McClintock and Sarah Jurgielewicz in Danielle Lukas’ play “Why Me?” Photo by Star Black.

Why Me?

By Danielle Lukas

Eastport South Manor

Click here to watch a video of this performance.

Actors enter in dark with music. Lights up on Rhyan and Lauren. Rhyan is singing along to the song playing very loudly.

Lauren: Can you please turn your iPod down it’s annoying me! (She pauses, coughs loudly). CAN YOU PLEASE TURN YOUR IPOD DOWN IT’S ANNOYING ME!!!!!!

Rhyan: (turns off iPod. Takes out headphones Music is now OFF.) Oh my bad…. I didn’t think you could hear it!

Rhyan puts her iPod away and tries to do her work, but taps her pencil on the desk.

Lauren: Oh my GOD can you please stop!

Rhyan (tapping the pencil louder): Why? Does it annoy you?

Lauren: Yes in fact it does. It’s very annoying when someone is making loud noises when you are trying to do work.

Rhyan: Ugh you’re so boring! All you do is work. Why did the teacher have to sit me next to you?

Lauren: Because she said that I would have an “influence” on you.

Rhyan: What does influence mean?

Lauren: (to herself) Oh my God seriously? (Slowly, as if she’s talking to a three year old) Ok in other words, the teacher thinks I will make you a better person. She thinks that by sitting next to me you will do better in class.

Rhyan: (sarcastic) Oh ok…. Yeah like that’s going to happen.

Lauren: So did you get question 2 on this worksheet?

Rhyan: Um, I don’t even know the square root of nine. How do you expect me to know this stuff?

Lauren: Well the square root of nine is three and-

Rhyan: – Ask me if I care?!

Lauren: Ok, do you care?

Rhyan: Ok, one you weren’t supposed to answer that. I was being sarcastic. And two, no I don’t care.

Lauren: Well you could at least be a little nicer.

Rhyan: Yeah, um I don’t think that will happen.

Lauren: Well fine. Then you will never get a boyfriend.

Rhyan: Excuse me! Did you just say that I will never get a boyfriend?

Lauren: Yeah and I’ll say it again….. (slowly) You will never get a boyfriend!

Rhyan stands up.

Rhyan: Fight me, right here, right now.

Lauren stands up slowly.

Lauren: Ok, uhhhh ummmm what do I do?

Rhyan: Are you serious!? Ok, well hit me.

Lauren hits Rhyan really lightly.

Rhyan: (sarcastic) Wow!! You hit like a girl!

Lauren: Well that’s because I am a girl!!

Lauren sits back down annoyed. Rhyan mimics Lauren and sits back down.

Rhyan: Stop whining.

Lauren: ME!? I’m being the whiney one!?

Rhyan: Yes you are, you don’t realize I was joking.

Lauren: Well you don’t realize that I don’t care!?

Rhyan: Well-

Lauren: – Oh just shut up!!

Both go back to work silently. After about 30 seconds a baby is thrown on the stage. Both actors look up. Rhyan stands up and picks up the baby.

Rhyan: What is this? What. Is. This???!!!

(The audience hears the voice of a female teacher over the speakers)

Teacher: Rhyan. You and-

Rhyan cops an attitude with the teacher, “I’m so not working with her”.

Teacher (continued): – You and Lauren are working together on the parenting project.

Both students look at each other.

Rhyan and Lauren: What!!!!!!???????

Lauren: With her?? (Lauren is facing out to the audience, Ryan is smiling at her)

Rhyan: Can we name our baby Sunshine?

Lauren: Seriously? That’s the stupidest name ever. I hate it.

Rhyan: So?! I think that since we have a child now, we should put our differences aside. Our fighting could influence a juvenile lifestyle.

Lauren: A juvenile lifestyle?!

Rhyan: With your attitude I would consider a divorce. In fact…I want a divorce.

Lauren shakes her head.

Lauren: What’s taped to its back? (Lauren takes a piece off paper of the baby’s back.)

Rhyan: What???? Seriously? This thing comes with a project?

Lauren: What does it say?

Rhyan: “You and your partner will be graded on care, cleanliness, and appearance, (of the baby).”

Lauren: That’s not so hard.

(Lauren starts to work and Rhyan starts eating.)

Rhyan: (Looking at the baby) She’s not clean.

Lauren: What do you mean “She’s not clean”?

Rhyan: Rhyan smashes his food into the baby’s face. He doesn’t look clean to me!!

Lauren: (groans) Get the bath! Rhyan smiles happily and pulls a baby tub out from under the table. Where did you get…never mind.

Rhyan: So how do you do this? Rhyan throws the baby into the tub.

Lauren: No!! You’re going to drown Sunshine!!!!

Rhyan: So his name IS Sunshine?!?!

Lauren: Not now…(Rhyan smiles, satisfied.) You must gently dunk him under the water.

Rhyan shoves the baby under the fake water.

Lauren: RHYAN!!!!!

Rhyan: I got it…!

Rhyan sings a cheesy song while moving the baby’s arms. Rhyan accidentally breaks one of the baby’s arms off.

Rhyan gasps and quickly reaches into his backpack and pulls out duct tape. Rhyan duct tapes the baby’s arm back on and shoves the baby back under the water.

Lauren: (Looks at the baby and gasps). What are you doing?!?!? She looks like she got attacked by a shark!!

Rhyan: What do you mean what am I doing?

Lauren: Look at her!!

Rhyan: What? She looks fine to me!!

Lauren: Her arm is duct taped back on!

Ryan- Oh…that. I think it’s her style.

Lauren: Her style??

Rhyan: Yeah! She has the bad boy look down! Now all we need is a motorcycle!!!!!

Lauren: Oh no!! My child is NOT riding a motorcycle!!

Rhyan: Just think about it, you’ll change your mind!!

Lauren: Oh no I won’t! Now put that bathtub away!!

Rhyan puts the bathtub under the table. Lauren goes back to working and Rhyan plays with the baby. Rhyan stops and leans in closer to the baby.

Rhyan: I think she’s hungry.

Lauren: She’s a doll!!

Rhyan: (Gasps) Don’t you say that about our child!! You know she’s sensitive about these things!! Rhyan reaches into his bag and grabs food for the baby. Do you think Sunshine wants a peanut butter sandwich, or chips?

Lauren: What?

Rhyan: Seriously…I think she’s more of a sandwich baby!

Lauren: Do whatever you want!

Rhyan: Will do.

Rhyan shoves chips into the baby’s face.

Lauren: We JUST WASHED him!!!!!

Rhyan: Do you want me to get the bathtub!!??

Lauren: NO!!

Rhyan: Fine……. Ryan continues to feed the baby.

Lauren: You’re a really bad mother, I hope you know that!! Rhyan looks at Lauren.

Rhyan: Well you’re a really bad mother.

Lauren: Lauren stands up and gets in Ryan’s face. That’s a really bad comeback!