Wacky Wednesday – Shelter Island School (2011)
By Kelly Colligan
Shelter Island School
Click here to watch a video of this performance.
[Setting: winter; 7:00 pm; Wednesday]
[sitting in Kelsey’s room]
[Josh is playing a video game and texting]
[Kelsey is on her laptop and twirling her hair]
[Josh blows his nose into a tissue, tosses it into the garbage, but misses, does nothing about it, and looks back at his video game]
[Kelsey is frustrated and has a sassy tone on]
Kelsey: Aren’t you going to pick that up?!
[Josh is biting his nails]
Josh: Eh, I though about it but I’m too lazy…
Kelsey: No, get off your lazy butt and pick that up! I need to clean my room and don’t make it any worse than it already is! And stop biting your fingernails! It’s a HORRIBLE HABIT you have…
Josh: I can’t help it! Jeez, chill! You girls are so tense and demanding and bossy.
Kelsey: Well, maybe because we are the ones who always have to clean up after you animals.
Josh: Humans are animals you know…
Kelsey: What ever. You know what I meant.
Josh: Kelsey… you don’t have know what you’re talking about. Boys always have to be the shoulder to cry on is a girl is upset. (WHICH IS ALWAYS HAPPENING!!!)
Kelsey: How would you know…you’ve never even had a girlfriend.
Josh: I will eventually…
Kelsey: Not with your attitude… And, do you ever clean your room? Or does your [baby voice] little mommy have to do it for you…?
Josh: [lying, biting nails] Of course I clean my room! It’s so easy. My mom calls me the “speed folder”… Anyway do you have to shave your face EVERY SINGLE DAY?
Kelsey: No…but wait- Josh, you don’t even have facial hair…
Josh: YET. It will come when the time is right, my mom says.
Kelsey: Sounds like your mom is saying a lot of things… Well, do you have to shave your ARMPITS AND YOUR LEGS? Didn’t think so.
Josh: Actually, I do. I’m on the swim team… [smirking] Speaking of the swim team, I have a nighttime swim meet at 8:30… I have to leave soon because I need to stretch and warm-up at home.
Josh: Girls are the losers. I could be a girl for as long as one whole day!
Kelsey: FYI: I could be a boy for as long as… as… a week!
Josh: Oh yeah? Well I could be a girl for as long as 2 weeks!
[they start to argue]
Kelsey: 3 weeks!
Josh: 4 weeks!
Kelsey [admitting] Okat, being a guy for a month might get a little old… YOU think, that YOU could be a GIRL for a month?! You don’t know what you’re in for!
Josh: Eh, whatver I could manage. I’m hungry.
Kelsey: So am I. I’ll go get some Oreos… sounds good?
Josh: [acting like a happy little kid] Yes!
[Kelsey leaves and dramatic music arises and lights flicker and then the stage goes black]
[spotlight is on Josh]
Josh: No, no…this is not happening…Not a thunderstorm!
[begging with his knees on the floor]
Josh: Mother Nature please…You know I’m afraid of the dark!!!!!!
[Josh is about to run for the door, but Kelsey is coming through the door!]
[they clunk heads]
[they both faint]
[J & K switch identities]
(now Kelsey speaks like Josh and vice-versa)
[lights come on]
[both are rubbing their heads]
[they both look into each other’s eyes and SCREAM!]
“Josh”: [in a sassy/girly tone; twirling hair] Are you seeing what I’M SEEING?!
“Kelsey”: [in a deeper/manlier tone] I’m seeing me…
“Josh”: [arguing] No, I’m seeing me!
“Kelsey”: [looks down shirt and has a surprised look] Why is there toilet paper in your bra?!?!
“Josh” [turns bright read]: Why does your shirt smell like dog poop?
“Kelsey”: [disgusted] Don’t ask…
“Josh”: [mad] Then don’t ask me why there is toilet paper in my bra! I have NO clue how it got there… [lying]
“Kelsey”: Sure…Wait a second…slap me in the face.
[Kelsey excitedly slaps Josh]
“Josh”: I’ve always wanted to slap you in the face!
“Kelsey”: [rubbing “his” cheek] Ow…But wait…If I’m not dreaming… [pondering] [smiles and gets an idea] You must be! Let’s find out!
[Josh slaps Kelsey]
“Josh”: Owwww! [rubbing cheek] Well bad news: NEITHER OF US ARE DREAMING! [gets scared look] if we’re not dreaming… then we will be stuck in each other’s body’s FOREVER!!!! I don’t even know how to swim! [petrified]
“Kelsey”: [biting nails] This is bad… I have a swim meet tonight! How am I ever going to be able to do warm ups and stretches?! [disappointed] My coach says: Every swimmer must do 25 crunches, 15 push-ups, 5 planks for 30 seconds each, and stretch legs, arms, hands, feet, and neck.
“Josh”: How much time do you have on your hands? I am NOT doing that for you… Your coach has gone made!
“Kelsey”: [face brightens up] Thanks Kelsey! You gave me an idea! YOU can do my warm ups and stretches!
“Josh”: [nodding head no] Noooooo way… [snotty smile] I have better things to do!
“Kelsey”: Well then if you DON’T… I guess I’ll just have to… [mischievously grabs a pair of scissors] Possibly chop off your “golden locks” to a coconut-cut and ruin your “priceless reputation”! [smirking]
“Josh”: FINE! I’ll do your dumb stretches! BUT… You have to clean my room so it is perfectly spotless. Start by picking up that tissue you threw on my floor. Prove to me that it’s “so easy” to clean a room, like you said. And that you’re a “speed folder”….
[Kelsey starts the warm-ups; Josh starts to clean her room]
“Josh”: What do I start with? The stretching? That’s what I’d like to start with! [smiling big]
“Kelsey”:NO! 25 crunches! Now go!
[Kelsey rolls her eyes]
“Josh”: Don’t rush me. How ’bout you pick up the pace a little. Or maybe just pick up SOMETHING!
“Kelsey” [fake smile]: Ha. Ha. Very funny. Your stupid drawers won’t close. You have too many clothes!
[Kelsey starts on the 25 crunches and is struggling]
“Josh”: One, Two, Three-
[she looks up at Josh]
[she skips crunches]
“Josh”: Twenty-three, twenty-four, TWENTY-FIVE! That was easy!
“Kelsey”: Now try 15 push-ups… With me actually watching you! [eyes bugging out]
“Josh”: Psh… I can do that in my sleep! Watch this.
[Kelsey can only do three push-ups and is out of breath and needs water]
“Josh”: I’m just a little rusty… I haven’t drunk anything all day anyway. That’s probably why… [lying, making excuses]
“Kelsey”: Oh really? Now try 5 planks for 20 seconds. Wait. Scratch that. I’ll be nice. Let’s start with 1 plank for 17 seconds.
“Josh”: Can you be anymore bossy? Why 17 seconds?
“Kelsey”: Because I like that number… gotta problem?
“Josh”: No… My only problem is YOU not CLEANING. And don’t boss me around. Last I heard, you were complaining about how bossy I was!
“Kelsey”: Just listen to yourself!
[Josh looks at his cell phone]
[his eyes widen]
“Kelsey”: Kelsey! Look at the time. It’s already 7:45… YOU ave to be at the pool in 45 minutes!!!
“Josh”: That’s not my problem.
[Josh is frustrated now]
[Josh accidentally closes his finger in the drawer and starts to tear up]
“Kelsey”: Owww!!! This dresser is a safety hazard….
“Josh”: Sounds like someone is struggling with their duty… [smirking]
“Kelsey”: Oh, shut up. How are the planks going?
“Josh”: Already finished! [twirling hair]
“Kelsey”: Now that’s a lie. And I know that because you are twirling your hair! Actually, MY HAIR! Now stop! You always do that when you are lying.
“Josh”: And you always bite your fingernails! Now fold my clothes “speed folder”!
“Kelsey”: It’s a habit! And I’ll only speed fold you clothes if you do ONE plank.
“Josh”: No, you fold, then I’ll do the plank.
[Josh folds the clothes slowly and messily]
“Josh”: That is not folding!!! And can you be any slower?
[When Kelsey is not looking Josh throws the clothes back into her laundry bin]
“Kelsey”: Done! [smiling]
“Josh”: [confused] That was really speedy. You folded all my clothes? No way.
“Kelsey”: Well folding isn’t as easy as it looks, okay…
“Josh”: Oh I know. Story of my life. [rolls eyes] It’s harder than it looks. Maybe you should try it sometime…
“Kelsey”: And it isn’t so easy doing those planks is it? Maybe you should try it sometime! [mimicking Kelsey]
[Kelsey starts the plank well for about 4 seconds, but then her elbows and arms start to tremble]
“Kelsey”: Looks like someone is struggling with their duty!!!
“Josh”: [very mad] You know what? I’m done. I’m not doing this anymore. And look; you got no cleaning done… it isn’t so easy, is it?
“Kelsey”: Well I guess I wasn’t so sure. But het, look: You thought being a boy was easy and you can’t even do a 10 second plank!
“Josh”: Well I’m sorry.
“Kelsey”: What’s that? Did you just say you’re sorry? I should’ve got this on camera!
[Kelsey is giggling]
“Josh”: Let’s go have our Oreos now. But maybe… just maybe… if we clunk heads again, we will change identities!
“Kelsey”: Yes! Exactly! But first, I want my Oreos before I get a concussion!
“Josh”: Yeah, and you can clean up the crumbs!
[Kelsey and Josh both look at each other and smile]
[Kelsey walks off-stage in a more manly way (like Josh would)]
[Josh skips off-stage twirling his hair (like Kelsey would)]
[lights fade out]