The Day Mom Killed Christmas – Ross School (2012)
The Day Mom Killed Christmas by Katya Wolosoff
Click here to watch a video of this performance.
Amelia: Hey An, what’s up?
Anna: Hi Mellie!! I missed you!
Amelia: Aw I missed you too! But what’s the occasion?
Anna: I’m not sure how to tell you this… but… MOM CANCELED CHRISTMAS!!!! Talk
her out of it! Please! She can’t just cancel Santa, it’s not fair!!
Amelia: That bitch did what now?!
Anna: that what?
Anna: Bagel what? Is this a nock nock joke?
Amelia: no, I just called her a bagel. You know, that doughy bread with seeds and
Anna: I know what a bagel is.
Amelia: then why did you ask?
Anna: ugghhhh it’s not about bagels!!! Just talk to her and pull your “I’m the second
born, middle children don’t get anything. You can’t do this to us” Speech, it’s not like
you haven’t done it before, Ryan said that he wont do his oldest child speech, its only
Amelia: Yes An, I am aware that I’ve done it before. But can’t dad talk to her? I don’t
get back home for another week! Why won’t dad do his?
Anna: Dad died.
Amelia: HE DID WHAT? How did it happen? Why hasn’t anyone said anything to me
Anna: See? See how you feel?! That’s the same way that I feel towards dad that I do
for Santa! IN YOUR FACE. Now if you understand how that feels, then you can see
how sad it feels, talk to her!!
Amelia: That’s not healthy.
Anna: What do you mean? It’s a Christian holiday. How could it not be healthy?
Amelia: I got three words: “grown man”. And “lap”. It’s creepy!
Anna: but that’s not Santa! That’s that creepy mall Santa who goes there for the
Amelia: how do you know about this stuff?
(Anna gets up and looks agitated)
Anna: I have my ways… But that’s not the point!! The point is that Santa isn’t coming
because mom has a stick up her butt, and dad doesn’t care.
Amelia: Mom has a stick up her butt?
Anna: It’s a figure of speech! I’m learning about it in school.
Amelia: Okay, did you ask dad to talk to mom?
Anna: (sarcastically) Noooo of course I did!! Dad is above you in the list of who to
deal with mom.
Amelia: What number am I on the list?
Anna: you’re the third.
Amelia: Who’s ahead of me?
Anna: Dad, stupid!
Dad’s background voice: Did someone just call me stupid?
Anna: No daddy! I called Mellie stupid, but your name was in the sentence.
Dad’s background voice: Oh, okay, well if calling your sister stupid is okay with your
mother its okay with me.
Anna: See what he’s turned into?
Amelia: Well, technically hear…
Anna: Same dif.
Amelia: Well, yeah, he’s a momma’s boy. Better cuz he is married to the momma!
Anna: Gross! Our mom is his mom? Doesn’t that make him our half brother?
Amelia: I really don’t want to think about that.
Anna: Ok, then think about Santa and talking to mommy about him!
Amelia: But I’m not there!
Anna: Don’t worry about that part! Moms going to talk to you any minute!
Amelia: You really have thought this through, have you?
Anna: What makes you say that?
Amelia: You waited for the perfect moment! Fine… I’ll do it.
Anna: Oh. Oh! Yay!!
(Mother yells for Amelia to go talk to her)
Amelia: look, moms calling, I’m going to put you on hold! Okay?
Anna: Ok! Good luck!!
Mother: Hi sweetie, how are you?
Amelia: Good mom, how are you?
Mother: I’m great sweetie, so relaxed! Im so happy we aren’t having Christmas
anymore! You know, maybe me and your daddy will go away for winter break, give
us some time to work out our issues.
Amelia: issues? Mom is that what this is about?
Mother: is that what what is about?
Amelia: canceling Christmas.
Mother: honey, that’s better for everyone! We don’t need Santa!
Amelia: mom, have you even thought of Anna? Santa is a big part of her life.
Mother: well, its time that she got over these childish beliefs.
Amelia: she IS a child. She deserves this!
Mother: its about time for her to grow up
Amelia: she’s nine years old!!!
Mother: so? You stopped believing in santa when you were eight!
Amelia: I never stopped believing in santa.
Mother: really? That is pathetic.
Amelia: no, your pathetic! How could you do this to us?
Mother: you mean waking you up and getting you ready for the real world? You
should be thanking me!
Amelia: for killing our beliefs and dreams?!?
Mother: you still believe in Santa?
Amelia: yes, I guess I do
Mother: finally! I’ve been waiting for you to admit it!
Amelia: what do you mean? You were planning this?!
Mother: well, you always gave up your dreams early, even when they are almost
Amelia: well its back now, I will believe in anything I want to!
Mother: CHRISTMAS IS BACK ON!
Amelia: I’ve got to go tell talk to Anna! Bye mommy
(back to room with Anna)
Amelia: CHRISTMAS IS BACK ON!
Anna: YAY!!!! How did you do it? It doesn’t matter actually, I know that you don’t
believe in Santa, but thank you!!!
Amelia: no an, I believe
Anna: it’s a Christmas miracle!