The Ant and the Grasshopper – The Ross School (2014)
The Ant and the Grasshopper by Tristan Griffin
(Setting in grassland with a small hill and a pebble as a door. The weather shows signs of a big winter storm coming soon. Grasshopper is very hungry, and is about to ask the ant for food. The ant is a very witty and pessimistic insect, while the Grasshopper is pretty stupid and too optimistic. The ant’s name is Anthony, and the grasshopper’s name is Hopper.)
Anthony: Who the freaking hell is at the pebble in this kind of weather?
(Ant opens door, to see Grasshopper standing there, with a happy but needy face on.)
Anthony: Oh, it’s you. Figure you would come eventually. (Sigh, sarcastically)
Hopper: Hey, Ant, how’s it chilling? Speaking of chilly, it’s quite cold out here. Brrrrr. Can I come in?
(Grasshopper hops in.)
Hopper: So…how’ve you been holing up?
Anthony: Quite fine until you came.
Hopper: Aw, thank you!
Anthony: That wasn’t a compliment.
(Grasshopper stares, blinking once, seemingly confused.)
(Ant slaps hand on face.)
Anthony: Just keep going.
Hopper: So anyway, I wanted to ask you a question!
Anthony: Go on.
Hopper: As you know, there is a storm coming.
(Ant nods head several times)
Hopper: Are you going to respond?
Anthony: (Angrily) Can you not see me nodding my head several times over???
Hopper: Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t know that was what you were doing. I thought it was one of your Ant habits! Stupid me!
Anthony: No argument there.
(Grasshopper stares again, blinking once, once again confused.)
Anthony: Never mind…keep talking.
Hopper: Okay, so as I was saying…uhhhhh…
Anthony: (Long, exasperated sigh.) The storm!
Hopper: Yeah, right! So, because there is a storm coming, I need food so I won’t starve! And I’m completely depleted. So I was wondering, if you know, if you could spare some food for your friend?
Hopper: Me!!! Don’t you want me to survive?
Anthony: (Sarcastically) Of course I want you to survive. Of course. (Ant pats grasshopper on the back.) But I want you to survive on your own, like without me. So uh.. good luck with that.
Hopper: Oh please, Anthony! I know you love to share! Think about all the fun times we’ve had together!
Anthony: Like the time you ‘accidentally’ kicked a pebble in my face?
Hopper: Yeah, exactly! Playing catch is so much fun! (Grasshopper has a beaming smile.)
Anthony: I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF WORKING!
Anthony: Or like the time you also ‘accidentally’ caused a human to step on me! I barely survived! I broke all my bones! I can still feel those bruises!
Hopper: Ok, that was your fault. You didn’t move fast enough. I hopped away just in time, you didn’t.
Anthony: I CAN’T HOP!!!
Hopper: Oh, right, I forgot. But Anthony, that was just a mistake. You’re still here, as far as I can see. Oh, and aren’t you supposed to be like super super strong for your size?
Anthony: And you don’t deserve food anyway. All you do all summer long is just hop carefree in the fields, laughing like a hyper idiot. I actually prepare for these storms. I carry 20 times my weight back and forth from the fields to this hill, getting ready for the imminent winter. And you’re just sitting on a blade of grass, making up your stupid music with your half broken banjo! If you work hard, there are rewards. Now I can relax. But I want to relax with you OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!!!
(Ant kicks Grasshopper in the leg.)
(Grasshopper gets up, groaning.)
Hopper: You don’t like my music?
Anthony: I was too busy lifting food to listen to you! And thank god! I heard your voice is spine crushing.
Hopper: Wow! Who told you that! People talk about my music?
Anthony: Unbelievable. (Sigh) Working is much more important.
Hopper: But Ant, you are wrong. You need to play! Recreation is a good thing. (Smiles)
Anthony: You know that word? Recreation? Wow, you just go 1% smarter.
(Grasshopper once again stares confused.)
Hopper: Recreation? That’s my religion.
Anthony: Holy dew, what is wrong with you?
Hopper: Haha that rhymes! I love rhymes! Speaking of rhymes, let me sing you the last bit of my latest song! It’s called Daydreaming!
“Day dreaming in the grass, sun beaming in my fass, wing flowing in the sky, everything’s a day dream…ime!”
Anthony: I am now officially deaf.
Hopper: So you didn’t like it?
Anthony: I will like your music when pigs fly.
Hopper: Haha pigs flying! Haha! Ha.
Anthony: Listen, Hopper, you’re gonna need to survive on your own. No one cares about if you can hop high. No one cares about your music. The time to play is after you have done the work. And I’ve never seen you do work, ever! How many times did I let you cheat off me in a test in middle school? And how many times have I seen you get detention because of missed homework?
Hopper: I do tons of work! We grew up together, Anthony, you know that I’ve done work before.
Anthony: Really? What ever happened to the job you were ‘going to get’ at the flower shop? You could’ve done really well with that.
Hopper: Well, you know, who gets up before noon?
Anthony: (Ant nods head sarcastically) Everyone.
Anita: ANTHONYYYYYY, where are you? I thought you were gonna finish tunneling the basement!!
Anthony: (Yelling) GIVE ME LIKE A FEW MINUTES PLEASE ANITA!
Hopper: Who’s Anita? OMG, Anita from 9th grade?! From Mrs. Bumblebee’s English class!
Anthony: She’s my wife, you idiot, and we’ve been married for 6 years. You wouldn’t know because you missed the wedding!
Hopper: Oh, right! Sorry about that, by the way.
Anthony: Hopper, you’re gonna have to go find some food on your own. You’ve had plenty of time to prepare, and you spent it ‘daydreaming’.
Hopper: (Seemingly forgetting about current topic)
Hopper: Hey, that’s the title to my new song! (Excited)
Anthony: How, how…does that have anything to do with what we are talking about?
Hopper: What are we talking about?
Anthony: (Exasperated sigh) Food!!
Hopper: Oh, right!! So can I borrow some?
Hopper: Oh, pleeeeaaasssseeeee!!!!!!!!!!
Anita: ANTHONY, ARE YOU WITH HOPPER? ARE YOU ACTUALLY EVEN CONSIDERING GIVING THAT LOAFER FOOD? WHAT HAS HE EVER DONE FOR US? NOTHING! HE CAN EAT ANYTHING EXCEPT OUR FOOD THAT WE SPENT MONTHS GATHERING!
Hopper: So I can’t have any of your food?
(Ant points to offstage.)
Anthony: She’s the boss. Happy wife, happy life. Me, I might be happier without her. (Snickers.)
Hopper: Anything for my best buddy!
(Hopper shoves Anthony to the side and hops off stage. Hopper eats Anita, sound effect.)
Anthony: Well,… I guess I don’t have to finish tunneling the basement.