Soulmate.com – YAWP Summer Workshop/Bay Ridge Prep. (2014)

Rae Bednar and Sean Foster in Lucy Guzzardo’s “Soulmate.com.”

Soulmate.com by Lucy Guzzardo

Click here to watch “Soulmate.com” on YouTube

EXT. – PURGATORY

ANGEL and DEMON stand onstage

Angel: You idiot. I am not going back to heaven to tell God… that.

Demon: I said, you can tell God that he can suck my…

Angel: I heard you the first time. Please we have matters to discuss that are of more importance than why all angels wear white.

Demon: It’s not like all angels were perfect humans. Ha! ‘Perfect humans’ those words don’t even go together.

Angel: You mean it is an oxymoron.

Demon: You’re dead, you don’t need to breathe that stuff anymore.

Angel: Not oxygen… never mind. Can we please discuss the fact that your boss is getting good people to sell their souls.

Demon: Yeah, the Devil’s been doing that since… oh, I don’t know…. the beginning of time.

Angel: Yes, but the amount of good people going to Hell has risen tremendously.

Demon: Yeah, yeah, good people, and all that… If they were do good they wouldn’t sell their souls to the Devil.

Angel: (annoyed) How do we fix it?

Demon: Here’s how, the Devil is taking good souls to Hell… so it’s only fair that God takes some tainted souls to Heaven.

Angel: And cause mayhem in heaven.

Demon: Well, if you want to look at it that way. It could be a good way to reform some bad souls and give them a second chance.

Angel: And while we reform them they get to cause mayhem in heaven.

Demon: (sarcastically) I expected an angel to be more open minded. In Hell skin color doesn’t matter, nor does one’s sexual orientation or one’s religion while alive.

Angel: (sarcastically) And I bet not even jail time matters.

Demon: You’re right. That doesn’t. All that matters are their actions. How many crimes have they committed? How severe were these crimes. And how long did they go without getting caught?

Angel: I never realized how twisted your morals were.

Demon: They’re just as twisted as yours. If half the population has one set of morals, and the other half has a different set, then which is right?

Angel: The one that doesn’t involve killing people.

Demon: You’re as self righteous as my morals are twisted.

Angel: Yeah right.

Demon: God should have left pride off the seven deadly sins list since angels are full of it.

Angel: Like demons are perfect.

Demon: We’re not perfect, far from it. But we admit it.

Angel: Sinner.

Demon: Takes one to know one.

Angel: (checks watch) It’s my lunch break. I’m leaving.

Demon: What are you eating? Clouds?

Angel: Yeah, says the guy with horns and a tail. Go get your demon slop or whatever and let me have my lunch.

Demon: Hey! My slop is better than those tiny finger sandwiches. It’s like eating air.

Angel: (sarcastically) Yes, I’m sure that goop you call food is much better.

INT. – ANGEL’S ROOM / DEMON’S ROOM

Angel and Demon at opposite sides of the stage each holding a smart-phone

Angel: Love. One word, four letters. Four wonderful letters. If only I could find it. This website should help.

Demon: Love. One word, four letters. Four revolting letters. Why can’t I just lust? Hopefully this website will get, love out of my system.

Demon: soulmate.com ‘Not even death can part you’.

Angel: soulmate.com ‘Not even death can part you’.

Demon: What a dumb catchphrase. (Pause) Username? Uh, I don’t know. What’s a human name? Dex, a human would wear that?

Angel: Username? Yes! Finally an up side to my mortal past. What was it they called me? Oh yeah, Ally.

Demon: Age? I’ve been in existence for like 300 years, but if I was human I would be dead. The equivalent is around 17 or so.

Angel: Age? I’ve been dead a while, I died at, what? 17?

Demon: So how’s this work? It looks like I put in my info and… Hey look, already got a hit. Time to love her pants off. Isn’t that lust? Yes! Maybe I am doing this for lust after all.

Angel: Wow, that was fast.

(NOTE to ACTORS: When reading bold face text pretend to type on smart-phone)

Demon: Okay, here we go… Dear, Ally… No, too official. Hello, how are you?… Too formal. Hay what is up there?… I think I heard one of the newer recruits saying that.

Angel: Oh look, Dex messaged me. ‘Hay, what is up there?’ Huh? Is this slang or something? Um… Oh what should I write? Just clouds and such.

Demon: Clouds? Uh! It wasn’t slang?!? How can I fix this? I meant how are you?

Angel: Oh, so it was slang. I’m doing well. And yourself?

Demon: ‘Well’? Who says that? Chipper, if I was there I would offer you a spot of tea. (Pause) What’s with the formality?

Angel: Oh, people don’t talk like that anymore. Are you mocking me?

Demon: Maybe a little.

Angel: That mockery could be considered foolish and not of proper etiquette. Wink.

Demon: Then again, quote on quote, ‘proper etiquette’ could also be considered overrated.

Angel: How would you justify your foolish behavior?

Demon: It’s only natural to be foolish every so often. Wink.

Angel: Perhaps. Okay, enough with the jokes. I think we best get to know each other.

Demon: Like how?

Angel: Where do you work?

Demon: Uh, Work? I can’t be truthful on that one. ‘I’m the Demon’s messenger’ should go over great. I’m a junior partner for a talent agency. You?

Angel: Shoot, I should have seen this coming. I can’t tell Dex I’m an angel, or that I’m deceased. I’m a volunteer who helps stop wars. (Pause) What’s it like at the talent agency?

Demon: Stressful.

Angel: How so?

Demon: Do you really want to know?

Angel: Sure, why not?

Demon: Well, this other employee from a well known agency thinks we’re taking all the talent and that her agency is so much better.

Angel: She sounds annoying.

Demon: Trust me, she is. How’s it work with the wars? (Long pause) Come on, tell me, I told you.

Angel: Fine, we try to find volunteers to stop wars.

Demon: Sounds simple enough.

Angel: The problem is this one dictator drafts most candidates.

Demon: Sucky. This dictator sounds relentless.

Angel: Yeah. (pause) Where do you live?

Demon: What should I say? San Francisco. There is a portal to hell there.

Angel: Look at that, I’ll be flying there tonight. Not a complete lie. I will, I just haven’t made the plans yet.

Demon: Yes! Want to meet up?

Angel: Sounds great!

EXT. SAN FRANSISCO

Demon wearing long pants hiding his tail and a baseball cap covering his horns stands onstage fidgeting with the back of one pant leg.

Demon: Stupid tail! Doesn’t want to stay put.

Angel walks onstage wearing a leather jacket and looks around. Demon sees Angel and straightens up.

Demon: Why in Hell are you here?!?!?

Angel: A better question is why on God’s earth are you?!?!?!

Demon: That’s none of your business… and it’s not just God’s earth.

Angel: God created it.

Demon: Yeah, and the Devil rules half of it. The better half if you ask me. (Pause) Why are you here again?

Angel: I will tell you if you tell me.

Demon: Fine. You first.

Angel: No! You will just hear it and back out.

Demon: How do I know you won’t do the same?

Angel: If you did not remember I am an angel.

Demon: True… for the record you have no mocking rights. Just because I’m a demon doesn’t mean…

Angel: Please just get to the point.

Demon: I’m looking for my date.

Angel: A demon with a date? Do not you guys just lust?

Demon: I said no mocking.

Angel: I’m just… curious. Demons do not love.

Demon: We’re not supposed to.

Angel: Huh? The annoying little thorn in my side actually has a soul.

Demon: Do not! Now spill, why are you here?

Angel: If you must know… I’m looking for Dex.

Demon: (surprised) Dex?

Angel: Yeah, you know him?

Demon: No. No-no-no. Please say you’re not Ally.

Angel: Um. Yeah, how did you… (shock) Dex?

Demon: Damn it!

Demon looks down while he goes back to fidgeting with his pant leg.

Angel: You need to learn to control that thing.

Demon looks up with a smirk.

Demon: So little miss perfect doubles as little miss naughty, eh?

Angel: What? (Pause) Oh, gosh no! I meant your tail.

Demon: Oh. (Pause) Man. I thought I found someone to… talk to. You’re nothing but a goody-good know-it-all.

Demon and Angel sit on a bench. Angel sits on the same side as demon’s fidget leg. Demon still fidgeting with his pant leg.

Demon: Damn tail. This is why I don’t like earth.

Angel: Tell me about it. My wings are stuffed into this jacket, and I just feel uncomfortable without my halo.

Demon: You left it up there?

Angel: No, it is in my purse. Can not wear it though. Not around humans.

Pause while Demon continues to fidget with his pant leg.

Angel: You’re sitting on it.

Demon: Huh?

Angel: Your tail. Move it to the side of your leg. (Pause) Like this.

Angel reaches her hand under Demon’s thigh and slowly pulls her hand out as demon watches. Demon leans in for a kiss. Angel puts her hands between them.

Angel: I’m an angel. We are slightly harder to seduce. I don’t even kiss on the first date.

Demon: So we’re dating now?

Angel: Eh, why not. I mean once you get past the demon thing, you aren’t as bad as you act.

Demon: Now you’re just trying to make me feel bad.

Angel: I meant it as a compliment.

Demon: Oh. Then yeah, I guess we’re dating.

Angel snickers.

Demon: What?

Angel: There wasn’t a chance in hell. There wasn’t a chance in heaven. I guess the only chance we had was on earth.

Demon: Don’t get all mushy on me. We may be dating, but I’m still that same demon you know and hate.

Angel: And I’m still that self righteous angel that you can’t stand. (pause) Maybe we’ll actually get some work done now.

Demon: Nah. You’re still just as stubborn.