Something Along Those Lines – Pierson High School (2014)

Oona Baker and Alex Kamper in Evan Johnson’s play “Something Along Those Lines.” Photo by Star Black.

Something Along Those Lines by Evan Johnson

Click here to watch “Something Along Those Lines on Youtube.

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(Loud cheering and screaming. Stage is black)

Voice: 20 Minutes, 20 Minutes to showtime people. Lacey, are you ready?!

Lacey: Yes, one second.

(Sniffling sound. Lights go on, then off. Lacey is lying on the floor. Lights flicker on and off again. She is still on the floor. Lights on and off again. She is still on the floor but now an eccentric man is standing over her. She screams.)

Lacey: Who are you??

Man: Who am I? Isn’t that the question we all ponder. The answer? That is what women spend their whole life searching for, what men die for! (Over dramatic manner) Let me introduce myself. Bonjour Mademoiselle, I am Phillip Hulo Recardo Estabon Montoyaz De la Rose, but you may call me Cid.

Lacey: Oh well that’s all swell Cid, but I meant why are you here…in my dressing room…

Cid: Oh well this is very simple, (singing) I AM YOUR VOCAL COACH

Lacey: Oh that’s weird. What happened to Veronica?

Cid: (mumbles)

Lacey: What?

Cid: What?

(silence)

Cid: Don’t worry about that. Anyway shall we start?

Lacey: I guess so, it IS 20 minutes until I go on.

Cid: Alright, repeat after me; Mommy made me mash my m&ms.

Lacey: Mommy made me mash my m&ms.

Cid: Chester cheeto chewed a chunk of cheap cheddar cheese.

Lacey: Chester cheeto chewed a chunk of cheap cheddar cheese.

Cid: ooOoOOOOOoooo killem.

Lacey: ooOoOOOOOoooo killem.

Cid: Doe, a deer, a female deer, ray a drop of golden sun, me someone we should talk about instead of you, far a long long way to run.

Lacey: That’s not how it goes.

Cid: It goes how I say it goes. Here, I printed you out the lyrics from one of my favorite songs. It’s a great warm up to work on pronunciation.

Lacey: (clears throat) But there’s one sound, that no one knows, what does the fox say? Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding! Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow! Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho! What is this shit?

Cid: That song, is the epitome of your generation sweetheart. It is a true work of art. Its only possibly rivaled by Friday by the great Rebecca Black.

Lacey: Great.

Cid: Let’s have you go for a stretch and a jog, to warm you up.

Lacey: A jog?

Cid: Did I stutter?

Lacey: But…where?

Cid: Just around the dressing room. Go.

(Lacey starts running. Cid blasts some German pop workout mix.)

Cid: Here we go now! Here we go now! I want to see you sweat! Now drop it and give me 20!

Lacey: Not to be rude but I don’t understand the point of doing this. I’m sweating and dizzy and I have to go on soon.

Cid: I don’t care, girl drop it like it’s hot.

Lacey: I’m sorry I am just way too tired to do this.

Cid: Maybe you need some motivation.

(Gorilla appears next to Cid)

Lacey: IS THAT A GORILLA?

Cid: Her name’s Trip.

Lacey: How did you even get that in here? Don’t we security or a scanner or someone to realize that you brought a freaking gorilla?!?

Cid: (Mumbles)

Lacey: What?!?

Cid: Don’t worry about it. Now give me some pushups!

Lacey: I’d like to see you do this.

Cid: Excuse me I was captain of the synchronized swim team of my school. I am a renowned athlete. I could do this in my sleep.

Lacey: Fine do it with me then.

(Both start doing jumping jacks)

Cid: And a one, and a two, and a three, and a four, and oh my god I’m sweating. Don’t look at me.

Lacey: Exactly.

Cid: I didn’t say you could stop – work it bitch.

Lacey: I’M EXHAUSTED. You have me running around, doing pushups, and these ridiculous warm ups and I’m done. I actually can’t right now, legit, I am going to die.

Cid: Hmmmm superstar Lacey died this evening because “she actually couldn’t right now.” What a shame.

Lacey: I can barely get up and get on stage and pretend everything’s alright. I am done being told what to do by you, my mother or anyone else for that matter.

Cid: Ah, so she cracks. I hate to say I expected more from you. Britney and Lindsay lasted MUCH longer than you did.

Lacey: That’s the problem! Everyone expects so much from me. I’m America’s newest sweetheart. I can’t mess up or I let everyone down. Good thing I won’t mess up since I have my mom watching my every move. Reminding me everyday about what I have to do, what’s at stake.

Cid: Wow, your life is so rough. Let me guess, someone gave you a chai tea instead of a pumpkin spice latte this morning?

Lacey: More like I haven’t slept in 3 days. I have to make constant appearances and my mom wants me to take on more and more.

Cid: So I’ve had this bunion on my foot and it really hurts to walk and I was going to go to the doctors last week to get a prescription for it, but…

Lacey: (interrupts) What????

Cid: Ah, forget it.

Lacey: (sits down) I’m not happy. I have to drop acid just so I can look happy and perfect and go onstage and perform in front of 8 year olds. This isn’t what I wanted.

Cid: Then do what you want. Shave your head, perform naked, get a gender transplant for all I care. Do it in the name of artistic expression and all of a sudden you’ll be inspiration for people everywhere. Or you’ll be a sick media joke. The topic of this week’s SNL skit, next year’s Halloween costume, HA. They all sound like solid options to me.

Lacey: I don’t really want a gender transplant, I’m not sure where you got that impression…anyway I love singing. I really do. And it’s amazing I’ve had the success I’ve had. But I curse sometimes. I go out. I have friends. I have a life and I don’t live it to please little kids. Or my publicist. Or my mother. She wants me to go on a tour in Europe. I’ll be away from my friends, my dad, everything for so long. I don’t want to do it.

Cid: OH MY GOD, is all you do complain? I can’t believe no one’s murdered you yet.

Lacey: No one’s murdered me yet?!?!

Cid: What do they not do that here?

Lacey: Do they do that anywhere?!?!

Cid: (shrugs) Have you tried simply saying no to your mom? Or telling her you don’t want to go?

Lacey: No, but she wouldn’t listen even if I did. Do you know what else she wants me to do? She wants me to do a laxative commercial. For constipation. Because “any attention is good attention.” Well, when the media finds out I’ve been doing drugs I’m sure she’ll be happy…any attention is good attention, right? (Laughs bitterly. Voice rises. Turns back.) Or when, if I overdose, I’LL BE FRONT PAGE NEWS. DO YOU LIKE THAT MOM?! (Laughter turning into crying.) I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I won’t. It’s time I make my choices for myself. (Picks up phone) Becky, can you please phone my publicist and tell her that I will not be going on the Europe tour. Or doing the laxative commercial…Yes I know that’s the impression you’re under…Yes I know that’s what my mom said…Well you work for me right? Not my mother? And I’m saying no. (Hangs up and turns around.) Cid, I’m sorry about that I –

(Cid is no longer there)

Lacey: Cid?

Off Stage Voice: Lacey, Veronica your vocal coach is here…are you ready for her?

Lacey: But my vocal coach already came?

Off Stage Voice: No, Veronica was late because of traffic but she’s here now. Can I send her in?

Lacey: What about Cid?

Off Stage Voice: Cid? There’s no one by the name of Cid sweetie. But you really should warm up it’s 20 minutes until show time.

Lacey: 20 minutes…No. I don’t need Veronica.

(Looks down at the ‘drugs’ on her dresser. Picks them up and throws them out.)

Lacey: I’m ready.