Me, Myself, and Her (2019)
Me, Myself, and Her
by Hugo Kapon
JACK: Well, school was boring, as normal. Can’t wait to have some fun.
CONSCIENCE: You should do your homework, that way you have unlimited time tonight to play videogames.
JACK: Yeah, but I just got home from school. I need a break to relax my mind. It will only be a few minutes.
CONSCIENCE: You say this every single time. ‘Oh, don’t worry. I’ll only be on for a few minutes’ and then it’s 9:00 at night and you haven’t even had dinner.
JACK: Listen, I still get my work done. As long as I’m above a eighty in all my classes, my parents won’t care
CONSCIENCE: Two things. A, its an eighty not a eighty. And B, you are NOT ABOVE AN EIGHTY!! You pay other people to give you an eighty! Or you copy work
COMPUTER: (Offstage) He annoying you again?
COMPUTER: (Offstage) Well, don’t worry! I hear that CS:GO for a brand new update!!
COMPUTER: (Offstage) Well, I don’t know for sure, but you can check.
JACK: Listen, conscience, I’ll only be checking. There’s no harm in-
CONSCIENCE: Yeah, there’s no harm in checking, but you never ever do that. You’ll be on for a few hours at least!!
JACK: Well how about this? You aren’t in charge of me! You just think of something “good” and “moral.” You never actually help me!!
CONSCIENCE: I could help you if you could listen. I mean, with ears that big it shouldn’t be hard.
JACK: EXCUSE ME!!
CONSCIENCE: I was simply sayin your ears look like they were taken off a monkey and put on, well, another monkey.
JACK: WHAT DID YOU SAY.
CONSCIENCE: Sorry, didn’t mean to be mean to monkeys.
JACK: And you wonder why I never listen to you.
CONSCIENCE: Just please don’t log on to-
JACK: And I’m on
CONSCIENCE: Oh, great.
JACK: So, computer, what do you have for me?
COMPUTER: (Offstage) New fortnite update, CS:GO free skin, Destiny 2 has a-
BABYSITTER: (Offstage) Hey Jack, are you in there? You know you have to do your homework!
JACK: I know. (muttering, talking to COMPUTER) I’m gonna bribe her like I do every night. I’s just so easy!
CONSCIENCE: You really shou-
JACK: Hey, Ms. Madison, can I just pay you the 10 dollars and you just leave me alone?!
BABYSITTER: (offstage) Yeah, ok.
Tomorrow in School
JACK: Here, Mr. McCairo, my essay. (Puts essay on desk, walks out to hallway)
CONSCIENCE: (clears throat) Quote unquote ‘Your essay.’
JACK: Listen, does it matter?
CONSCIENCE: Yes! What do you think your parents will day when-
JACK: (In an aggravated, aggressive tone) MY PARENTS!! You mean the people who leave me with a babysitter in order to go to their parties. The people who spend more time in a skyscraper with their rich friends than their very own son! You don’t get to bring them into the conversation! They don’t care about me!! No one does! No one is ever there for me! (calms down, uses a weaker, nicer tone) No one but the computer.
CONSCIENCE: Have you ever mentioned this to your parents?
JACK: No, but if I did, what would it accomplish? They probably don’t even know my email.
CONSCIENCE: How do you know
JACK: Listen, i just-
CONSCIENCE: Tonight, write an email to your parents about how you feel.
JACK: I will just prove that I’m right.
CONSCIENCE: But you have the right to say what you mean.
JACK: Fine, but if they don’t respond I get to play the computer whenever without you questioning.
CONSCIENCE: Okay, but if they do respond you have to do your homework on your own.
Later that night
JACK: Alright, here goes nothing. “Dear Mom and Dad, Chances are you won’t see this. But that’s fine. I don’t expect that much of you. I just wanted you to know how I feel about you not being here. It really sucks. When I graduated from elementary school all you did was get someone to pick me up. You never check in on me. I feel like you don’t care about me, and that hurts a lot. I needed someone like you when I hit puberty, helping me along the way. But you weren’t there, and you never will be. All you do is give me a babysitter and hope everything goes well. And it makes me feel… unimportant, not wanted, and that makes me think maybe I’m not worth anything. I’ve grown to hide my emotions in order to appear strong not just to others, but to myself as well. So if you do end up reading this, just know, it’s not too late, but it will be soon. I’ll say something I don’t get to say often. I love you guys. Sincerely, your son, Jack.
CONSCIENCE: There you go, I win.
Conscience: This wasn’t all about your parents.
JACK: I… still don’t understand
CONSCIENCE: You need to learn how to be able to rely on yourself and not just think things will play out in your favor.As you’ve seen, they haven’t. Yeah, your parents aren’t around, and I get that it sucks, but you can’t sit and do nothing. You assume other people will solve your problems. And sometimes they do. People do your homework, you get whatever you want, it makes it seem like you don’t have to do much and everything works out. But one day, it won’t. And you need to prepare for that day. Because you’ll grow up one day, and you’ll need to be able to look after yourself. And today, you solved a problem one your own. And while your parents won’t say thing, I will. I am proud of you for growing up.
JACK: Thanks, I think I needed that. But don’t you want me to reconnect with my parents?
CONSCIENCE: I mean, I want you to, but chances are, they won’t. It’s not you, it’s them.
JACK: Hey look! They did respond! What did they say?
CONSCIENCE: Let me read it (clears throat) “Dear…” Oh wow. Okay. “Dear Psycho: Stop pretending to be my son. It is annoying and we don’t like the fact that you think impersonating a 14 year old kid is funny. Signed, Mr. and Mrs. Wilson.” Well, that doesn’t help.
JACK: Nah, it’s fine. I don’t need them. They aren’t people I want in my life.
CONSCIENCE: I mean, don’t go that far, you still love them.
JACK: Yeah, because they’re my parents. They were never there for me. And I only need myself. And you. I can’t rely on others to do things for me. I’m independent now and I can do things on my own.
CONSCIENCE: Good, and since I won the bet, you can start this crusade by doing your homework on your own.
JACK: Wait, what?
CONSCIENCE: The terms of the bet said that if they didn’t respond, you would win. But if they responded, I would win. And they responded. Not nicely, but they responded. So come on. I heard you guys are working on radicals in math.