MAID in the USA? – Westhampton Beach High School (2011)
Christie Moyle and Gina Arfi perform in Augusta Greenbaum’s play, “MAID in the USA?” (Photo by Star Black)
Click here to watch “MAID in the USA?” on YouTube
Scene- A day in June. The set is the modest living room of Madeline Morris. Madeline is an 18 year-old, WASP Wannabe from an upper-middle class background. Madeline is sitting on her couch multitasking. The room is very messy.
Madeline Morris: (Talking on her iPhone, while looking at her laptop.) Ohmigod! I can’t believe it! That snob Bitsy Spencer didn’t invite me to her party…. No Chloe, you don’t understand that Gatsby themed soiree is one of the swankiest social events of the summer and I missed it… I know, I’m looking at the pictures right now. Uggh, it’s so not fair, why wouldn’t they invite me, I live on Primrose Lane, doesn’t that mean anything?… What are you saying? …Um, the only reason my family is renting out our house for the summer is because we want to travel, DUH? Anyway, what would it take to get invited into that gated world of exclusive privilege? That bunch of bratty bluebloods is tighter than Cece Archer’s forehead after her second facelift. …God no, YOUR mother’s facelift is flawless. (She gets a text message) No way! Did you hear the mysterious millionaire heiress Rosita Santiago-Mendez is summering right here in Southampton!… Of course it’s true, it’s from TMZ… I know, Rosita is the Spanish Tinsley Mortimer. She comes from one of the oldest families in Spain. Well, I heard that she has 35 Hermes Birkin bags. Have you ever seen a picture of her without her signature Dior Sunglasses and Prada Fedora?… I wonder what she really looks like? That girl is lucky, she was born on the A-list. That’s it. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?… No, I’m not thinking about Ryan Gosling’s abs? Focus Chloe! My plan is to meet Rosita and become her BFF. Wouldn’t you choose being a BFF with an heiress over your sorry self, too? This is perfect! She is my ticket in to the best parties of the summer. Don’t worry Chloe I’ll tell you all about them. Oh, about the maid situation can you pick one up for me? My parents put me in charge of cleaning the place before the renters arrive…. Just go by the 7-11 and find someone there. Thanks for helping me out. My Lexus is in the shop. Don’t forget! Bye Chloe! (ends phone call) She can be such an airhead sometimes. (Continues looking at computer and begins jamming to her iPhone’s iPod with ear buds.)
(Outside, an 18 year-old girl wearing broken Dior Sunglasses and a battered Prada Fedora, limps up to the house. She takes out a pocket mirror from a big carry-on bag, examines herself, and then decides to lose the hat and the glasses and tosses them.)
Rosita Santiago-Mendez: (Talks on a cell phone, with a thick Spanish accent. Her bottom lip is swollen causing her to talk with a lisp.) Hola!… Uggh, alright! OK, I’ll talk English to practice. I had the HORRIBLOUS flight over. The stupid linea aérea lost all nueve of my Vuitton suitcases, the fat Americana lady next to me had breath garlic and then when the plane landed she vomito’ up all over me, and my labios are all swelled from peanut alergia. I look like I got lip implants. They look more Donatella Versace than Angelina Jolie. They are so puffed up that I can barely talk. My ears are clogged from the plane, my contacto lenses fell out, the elevator door closed on my foot, my driver got lost, and I lost my wallet. Plus the casa is MUCHO mas pequeno than expect I. It’s dos stories with only a dos car garage and sin tennis court! (Hears inside noise.) But at least the maid is already here.
(Rosita rings Madeline’s doorbell.)
Madeline: (Opens door) WOW! THAT WAS QUICK! (She is still listening to music, so she is talking loudly) HELLO. COME IN!
Rosita: Hola! I mean hi! I was supposed to get to America at seven, but I get in at eleven.
Madeline (Slowly): DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?
Rosita: Of course que habla Ingles! Here’s my bolsa. I’m muy exhausted!
Madeline: GOOD! YOU BROUGHT YOUR THINGS. GET STARTED. YOU’VE GOT MUCHO WORK.
Rosita: Don’t tell me what to do. I’ll unpack at my own speed.
Madeline: DO YOU ALWAYS ACT LIKE THIS? YOU SHOULD BE THANKING ME. I’M HELPING YOU OUT A LOT!
Rosita: Of course, that’s what you’re here for.
Madeline: CHOP! CHOP! THIS IS A BIG HOUSE AND YOU’LL NEED ALL THE TIME YOU CAN GET!
Rosita: You wouldn’t understand but I’ve seen casas mas grandes.
Madeline: LOSE THE ATTITUDE. I’M WARNING YOU. I’LL CALL THE AUTHORITIES.
Rosita: (Sarcastic) Ooo, I’m sooo scared. The agency will just substitute you.
Madeline: MY GOD, YOU STUPID WETBACKS ARE ALL THE SAME.
Rosita: DIOS MIA! What did you call me?
Madeline: I CALLED YOU STUPID. COMPREND-DAY?
Rosita: Look, if I wasn’t tired so, I would run you out of here so fast that your cheap hair extensions would have fallen out. But I’m lagged jet, so just do your job and NO ME HABLES!
Madeline: WHATEVER. YOU’RE CRAZY!
(Madeline sits on the couch and continues listening to music. Rosita starts unpacking her belongings from the bag.)
Madeline: (Without even looking up) THE BATHROOM IS OVER THERE. START THERE.
Rosita: (Preoccupied with her stuff) Finally, you tell me something helpful. (She leaves)
Madeline: (iPod stops. iPhone rings. Answers it.) Hi Fifi. I’ve got the worst maid ever! … No! Anyway, if she doesn’t get down to business soon, the house will never be ready in time for when the renter gets here.
ROSITA: (Yells from the other room) You better not be just sitting there.
Madeline: WHAT? (Madeline is still on the phone and Fifi can be heard talking in the background.)
Rosita: You hear me! I said get off your butt and then make a sandwich!
Madeline: (Hangs up phone) DID YOU SAY I’M A BITCH?(Fifi is heard in the background saying “No”, then she gets angry and hangs up) THAT’S IT! YOU REALLY CROSSED THE BORDER NOW. I WON’T LET SOME ILLEGAL MAID COME INTO MY HOUSE AND TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! (Screams) GET IN HERE!
(Rosita comes back in)
Madeline: NOW GET OUT!
Rosita: Did you need to ask me something? I’m having time hard hearing with you. Where’s my sandwich? Donde esta? I’m starving.
Madeline: SANDWICH? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME! TAKE YOUR STUFFO AND GET OUTO! NOWO!
Rosita: (Extremely insulted) Are you kidding? Who are you to tell me to leave? Well you know what? Fine! I’m out of here. This cabana is a filthy dump anyway.
Madeline: YOUR’RE FIRED!
Rosita: Me fired? Look, where I’m from it’s my job to fire you, so you’re fired.
Madeline: WELCOME TO AMERICA. GET OUT! AND DON’T EXPECT ME TO PAY YOU ANYTHING! NOT A SINGLE PESO.
Rosita: You pay me? (She starts hysterically laughing) This is really twisted. Well, don’t worry senorita, I’m leaving. You will NEVER EVERY hear from me or see my “Stupid wetback” self again. Wait until the authorities find out about this. You will never work in this town again… (She storms out).
Madeline: GOOD! ADIOS! (Slams the door) WHAT A LOCO. (Takes out phone) Chloe? What on earth is going on? That maid you sent me, was she from the Mental Hospital?.. What? A sale….You forgot….You’re laughing… Who was that person? (Her laptop gets a text message. She reads it)
Ohmigod! Breaking news from TMZ: Paparazzi just spotted the millionairess Rosita Santiago-Mendez. Surprisingly, she was out roaming Primrose Lane in a huff and looking like a poor little rich girl without her signature sunglasses and fedora.
(Madeline faints)
The End
