Candy Catastrophe (2018)
Kely Archambault (Joe) and Alex DeLeva (Frank) in Will Edwards’ play Candy Catastrophe
by Will Edwards
Setting: Willy Wonka’s Candy Factory in a room with a long table used for candy making the two are working at the table assembling candy
Oompa Loompas are short and fat with green hair and orange colored skin
Joe: Hey Frank can you come over here? (thinks about asking him first)
Frank: What? (thinks about getting up and walks to him and sits down)
Joe: I’m in some trouble, could you help me out?
Frank: What do you need? A couple dollars? A couple gobstoppers?
Joe: I was thinking of something a little bigger.
Frank: What would that be?
Joe: I don’t know how to tell you this, but I need you to give up your job.
Joe: I’ve been selling candy recipes to Wonka’s competitors, and I’ve kinda been caught.
Frank: No! If someone’s going to leave it’s going to be you (stands up)
Joe: I need this job! (Sets down his machine and gets close to Frank who is on the other side of a long table)
Frank: I need this jobs as much as you do.
Joe: Please. You don’t understand. (stands to face him)
Frank: People here don’t like you.
Frank: Because of what you’ve been saying about Wonka.
Joe: Don’t you realize, he’s not paying us enough. (turns and walks then looks back)
Frank: Wonka has been very nice to us up until you started this protest.
Joe: If I lose this, I’ll have nowhere to go.
Frank: I don’t care, In fact it would be so sweet if you left. (walk upstage and looks away)
Joe: I thought we were friends, but I guess you are just a dirty no good crinkled up candy wrapper. (walks to Frank)
Frank: Take that back! (faces him)
Frank: Stop it.
Joe: I won’t stop unless you help me. (Joe is now standing whereas Frank is sitting)
Frank: What do I need to do ?
Joe: Tell Wonka you did it.
Frank: No way.
Joe: Look I need this much more than you do.
Frank: No you don’t, this little movement you started is hurting all of us.
Joe: I have to protest because that’s the only way us Oompa Loompas will get our rights.
Frank: You don’t see how much you’ve hurt us, things will never change.
Joe: They will!
Frank: When you’re gone, we’ll be happy.
Joe: Please, my family depends on the money, my wife and son need it.
Frank: Oh really? Last time I checked your wife doesn’t need another swizzle stick. (circles around him)
Joe: I didn’t buy her a swizzle stick!
Frank: Are you sure? (walks slowly back to his position)
Joe: Are you implying that I lied.
Frank: That’s exactly what I’m implying. (folds arms)
Joe: Fine! I bought her a couple, but in my defense she really wanted them. Also, I needed it to pay for my son Dennis to go through Loompa University. They don’t give financial aid. (walks away and turns around again)
Joe: So you’ll take the hit for me?
Frank: Over my loompish body. (breaks arms and walking towards him)
Joe: Sweet sassafras! No need for such harsh words.
Frank: I need this job so I can pay for my sewing classes. (regrets what he says and puts his hand on his head)
Joe: Sewing classes?!
Frank: Everybody has their hobbies, no need to judge.
Wonka (offstage): I’m going to turn whoever sold these recipes into a blueberry, and infuse you until you are a sad blue excuse for an Oompa Loompa. Then everyone will know you are a traitor.
Joe: We have to do something. (grabs Frank)
Frank: Which one of us is going down.
Joe: We’re both going to be turned into giant blueberries.
Joe: If I knew what to do we wouldn’t be arguing right now.
Frank: You got us in this in the first place so you should-
Joe: Stop we won’t change anything by bickering.
Frank: I guess so.
Joe: (Starts to pace up and down the stage muttering “oh my god” under his breath)
Frank: Stop! (grabs and spins him around)
Joe: I don’t see you coming up with any solutions. (puts hand on shoulders)
Frank: Fine I’ll take the blame.
Joe: No, you shouldn’t have to take the blame you’re innocent. (sits on table)
Frank: I never said that. (sits)
Joe: What do you mean?
Frank: How do you think I afford those classes? Hint, it’s not by testing Wonka’s insane new candies. We all know what happens when you do that, Paul hasn’t been seen since he floated out the window last week after drinking the fizzy lifting drink.
Joe: You’ve been fixing the plumbing system after Agustus broke it?
Frank: No! Do you have a gumball for a brain? I’ve been selling candy recipes too!
Wonka (from offstage): Somebody should come forward now! Guards! Set up the infuser!
Joe: What are we going to do? (desperate) (gets down)
Frank: I have an idea.
Joe: What would that be? (Frank stands before his line)
Frank: We both take the blame. We’re both guilty and we can’t have anyone else getting hurt because of our actions.
Joe: Alright. Let’s do this.
Frank: Besides how bad is it to be blue, we are orange after all.
Joe: Come on man. It was fun.
(they do secret handshake)
(They walk down stage together as equals)
Wonka: What are you guys doing here?
Joe: Well…uh…we have something to admit.
Wonka: Stop! I see where this is going…Carl! Start the infuser!
(Sound of the inflating noise followed by the vacuum like infuser noise)
Joe: How do you feel Frank?
Frank: Good. But then again, I’m a little blue.
L to R: Kely Archambault (Joe), Will Edwards (Playwright), Alex DeLeva (Frank)