A Little Filling – Westhampton Beach High School (2012)

Lorenzo Rodriguez and Courtney King perform in Jeremy Schwartz’s play, “A Little Filling.” Photo by Star Black.

A Little Filling by Jeremy Schwartz

Click here to watch a video of this performance.

(Scene Begins. Bagel is standing there. Bialy starts dragging Butter box across the floor and then goes back for the knife.)

Bagel: What are you doing?

Bialy: Just getting the butter.

Bagel: What do you need butter for?

Bialy: For the Breakfast.

Bagel: Really? The Breakfast isn’t real. It’s a made up story. Every good bagel knows that the great being only eats us whenever it feels like it.

Bialy: The Breakfast is real. When I was a young bagel, I was taught about the Breakfast, and very soon the One Bagel will be eaten.

Bagel: Ha. You believe that tale. We all know that there is no One Bagel. If there were one, you wouldn’t be it.

Bialy: Why not?

Bagel: How could I put this simply? You’re not a bagel. You’re a bialy.

Bialy: I’m pretty sure I’m a bagel, even if I am a bialy.

Bagel: No you’re not.

Bialy: Yes I am.

Bagel: You’re not a bagel; you don’t have a hole. You have a filling in the center.

Bialy: You don’t need a hole to be a bagel. I’m from Goldberg’s. I’m on the bagel Menu. I’m pretty sure I’m a bagel.

Bagel: That’s just what they say to get you sold. Face it, you’re not a bagel and you will never be.

Bialy: How can I not be? I was bought that day along with other bagels. I have to be a bagel.

Bagel: That doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you don’t have a hole.

Bialy: So what you’re trying to say is that you need a hole to be a bagel?

Bagel: Exactly.

Bialy: Even when I was made of the same flour as you?

Bagel: I’m not sure if that’s the case, but yeah.

Bialy: So to you I’m not a bagel, but if I go to your mother, she would call me a bagel?

Bagel: She was recently eaten.

Bialy: Oh.

Bagel: But if she were alive, she would have called you a bialy.

Bialy: I don’t care. That doesn’t matter; I’m still a bagel. If I am made of the same flour as the other bagels, I’m a bagel as well.

Bagel: No, you’re wrong. Look at The Chart (Image of chart appears). A bagel is a type of roll that has a hole in the middle. Right in the center, right there. Does a bialy have one? (Bialy tries to answer, but Bagel shushes him, and then goes on) No they do not. The chart never lies, therefore; you’re not a bagel.

Bialy: This time, your dumb chart lied. It isn’t even valid. Where did you get it?

Bagel: I don’t know. Google?

Bialy: Hah!

Bagel: Wait, look at the corner. There’s a Goldberg’s logo. I got it at Goldberg’s.

Bialy: That doesn’t matter.

Bialy: How, can I not be a bagel? I was told I was a bagel. The Breakfast is real. I know, I thought there is the One Bagel… (talk to herself, he hears)

Bagel: Well, it’s simply like this. You don’t have a hole like the rest of us bagels. My mom told me.

Bialy: Your mom?

Bagel: It all started with my mother, god rest her soul. She was taught that being a bagel means that you have to have a hole in the center. She called it our lucky ring.

Bialy: Lucky ring. Really?

Bagel: Cute, right? Ok back to the story. So when I was little, she showed me a bialy across the counter and said “Son, he ain’t no bagel. He don’t got no lucky ring.”

Bialy: Oh, that’s why.

Bagel: So over the course of my fermentation I came to understand that bialys are not bagels.

Bialy: So the entire reason you think I’m not a bagel is… (starts to get upset)

Bagel: Yeah, because of my mom and the chart and also your disgusting center.

Bialy: (Scream) I don’t care about your mom, or the chart, or… (Start crying. Bagel stands there awkwardly)

Bialy: Wait, who cares? (stop crying, and calms down) What’s so special about being a bagel?

(Bagel stands there and continues to be useless)

Bialy: Yeah, why be a bagel when I can be me. What’s wrong with me, a bialy (superhero pose)

Bagel: A bialy? Really? (Sarcastically)

(footsteps. Tremors through the counter)

Bagel: What’s happening?

Bialy: (Staring ahead) He’s here.