Untitled (2015)

Alex Casola Bailey and Brianna Giannizzeroin Noah de Weever’s play, “Untitled”

UNTITLED

12/11/15 by Noah de Weever

Click here to watch: Untitled

(A girl, NOELLE, sits at her desk. She looks stressed and is frantically typing on her keyboard. Every few seconds she shakes her head and starts backspacing everything, since it sucks.)

NOELLE

No no no, that won’t work, it has no conflict whatsoever.

(Theres a knock on the door)

NOELLE

(Very visibly annoyed) WHAT?!?!

(A girl around 15 years old, BAILEY, walks in with a bag of chips in her hand)

BAILEY

(Her mouth is stuffed and her voice muffled)

Hey Idiot, mom wants to know if you took out the trash.

NOELLE

What did you say, chubs?

BAILEY

Hey, shut up! And I said, did you take out the trash?

NOELLE

Yeah yeah, now get out, I’m doing stuff…

BAILEY

Fine.. (Starts out the door then turns around to see what Noelle is doing) What are you doing?

NOELLE

None of your business, now get out of here before I throw you out.

BAILEY

Oh Noelle, everything you do is my business especially if I can annoy you with it. Besides you couldn’t throw me out if you tried.

NOELLE

Its a play I have to—

(BAILEY cuts her off)

BAILEY

A play? A PLAY? (She laughs) You couldn’t write a thank you card to grandma, let alone a whole play! (Continues to laugh)

NOELLE

Shut your fat mouth! I have to write it for a grade, it’s due tomorrow and— (Pauses) Wait, why am I telling you? It’s none of your business! (Turns back around to continue typing)

BAILEY

Ok ok, calm down… (walks over slowly while Noelle types) So whats it about?

NOELLE

What part of “none of your business” do you not understand? Is it the “none” or the “of” or maybe its the—

BAILEY

(Cuts her off) That joke is so overdone get new material

NOELLE

(Talking over Bailey) OR MAYBE IT’S the “business” part your having a tough time gripping on to.

BAILEY

You’re hilarious, really, two thumbs up! But really, what’s it about?

(Goes over to the computer to look, sees that there is nothing written)

Oh my God, YOU HAVENT EVEN STARTED?! (Laughs uncontrollably) That’s hilarious! Oh Jesus, take me now!

NOELLE

SHUT UP! It’s harder than it looks… Coming up with ideas is really hard.

BAILEY

Ha! Well sucks to suck, have fun! (Starts to go out the door)

(NOELLE thinks for a moment before suddenly calling out)

NOELLE

Bailey, wait!

BAILEY

(Turns around) What is it?

NOELLE

I could maybe possibly use some help.. Only for a minute, though.

BAILEY

(Mockingly) Oh, but I thought it was none of my business.

NOELLE

(Clearly annoyed) It’s not, but I just need some help coming up with an idea.

BAILEY

Why should I help you? As I can’t really recall you ever doing anything for me…

NOELLE

I have done plenty of things for you! Remember that time I helped you practice for your lacrosse tryouts? If it was not for me, you wouldn’t even be able to throw a ball properly.

BAILEY

I think you’re remembering that bit differently than I do.

NOELLE

What do you mean? I helped you for like—

BAILEY

(Interrupts) You said yes, and when I threw the ball to you, you immediately threw the ball into the woods as hard as your could and then dropped the stick and gave me the middle finger, and walked on home.

NOELLE

Oh… I ..Yeah… I forgot about that, BUT thats only cause when I asked you to pick up the sticks so I could mow the lawn, remember what you did?

BAILEY

Wait that’s not fair, I—

NOELLE

(Interrupts) You went into the woods and took all of the sticks and put then ONTO the lawn.

BAILEY

That’s not fair! That’s only ‘cause you locked me into the dog cage!

NOELLE

That was six years ago, get over it!

BAILEY

I’m still angry about it!

NOELLE

(In a more calm voice) Listen, we can go back and forth all day, but the only way we can mend this broken fence is by working together to help me write this play.

BAILEY

Oh cut the horse shit, we both know you don’t want to “mend any fences,” you just want me to help you.

NOELLE

Fine. Are you in, or no?

BAILEY

What’s in it for me?

NOELLE

(Sighs) What do you want?

BAILEY

I want you to do my homework from now on. (NOELLE starts to walk away) For the rest of the quarter?

(NOELLE comes back)

NOELLE

Everything except math, deal?

BAILEY

Deal.

(They both shake hands)

BAILEY

Ok, do you have any ideas?

NOELLE

No, why do you think I asked you for help?

BAILEY

Ok ok, how about… (She stops and thinks for a moment until an idea hits her and her face lights up) How about one with like a murder mystery type of thing, right? Like a who-done-it?

NOELLE

No, that seems like a huge thing, like you would need more than two people, and you can only have two people in the thing. If you have two people in a murder-mystery then it’s two people, one kills the other, play over.

BAILEY

Oh ok, well you did not say it was only two people. (Thinks again) Ok, how about one where the main character is from the future, and—

NOELLE

Nah, I don’t like the whole future thing, seems too cliche. Everything is in the future now.

BAILEY

Fine. (Paces around in circles while thinking) How about one where—?

NOELLE

No.

BAILEY

You don’t even know what I’m talking about!

NOELLE

Was it about a robot who gains feelings?

BAILEY

What? How did you know?

NOELLE

Because you’re always talking about a robot who gains feelings.

BAILEY

Fine. What about one where the government is controlling people, and two sisters are in a room, and one realizes that her sister is actually… a robot! And she has to destroy the

robot to find out what happened to her real sister, and then they heroically save the rest of the world from the government menace! (Stands in a heroic stance)

NOELLE

No, that’s a bunch of nonsense. As if the government is actually spying on us to replace us with robots…. That’s ridiculous.

BAILEY

That’s what they want you to think. They could be watching us right… now! (BAILEY stares off into the distance)

NOELLE

(Looks at her sister, then the direction she is looking) What are you doing?

BAILEY

Dramatic effect.

NOELLE

Well stop it and get serious! We need an actual idea, not a bullshit government conspiracy.

BAILEY

Fine…. (Thinks then is struck with a brilliant idea) I’ve got it!

NOELLE

(Excited) What is it!?

BAILEY

The best idea of all ideas, the big mother of idea, the king of all—

NOELLE

Get to the point.

BAILEY

What if you wrote a play about… writing a play. Like what if you wrote a play about me and you trying to write a play? I think that would be great!

NOELLE

(Her face is blank) That…. is…. the absolute stupidest idea I have ever heard in the history of ideas. Like honestly, a meta play? What egotistical ass hat inserts herself in her own play? I bet you want me to change my name but just have a name with the same first letter as my real name, huh? Come on. Real ideas that are not utter shit, please.

BAILEY

(Clearly disappointed) I thought it was good…

NOELLE

Well, it’s not.

BAILEY

How about you help a bit? I said I would help you get an idea, not do the entire thing for you! Besides all you are doing is shooting down my clearly amazing ideas.

NOELLE

Change “amazing” to “terrible” and I’ll agree with you.

BAILEY

Fine… God, playwriting is hard, I think I need a break.

NOELLE

You have done nothing but pitch terrible ideas to me. No breaks till you give me an actual idea.

BAILEY

I have given you multiple ideas! Jesus, how many more you want?

NOELLE

How about a good one?

BAILEY

How about we take a break and go eat? Some brain food will help out…

NOELLE

Fine.

(NOELLE fetches them some candy, which they begin to eat.)

NOELLE

I just don’t understand why this is so hard. It’s not like it’s brain surgery, it’s a play. A freaking play.

BAILEY

How long did they give you to write it?

NOELLE

Uh, about…. (Mutters something incoherent)

BAILEY

What was that?

(NOELLE continues to speak to softly)

BAILEY

Speak up, idiot!

NOELLE

Two months, okay?

BAILEY

Two months?! (Begins clapping)

NOELLE

What are you clapping for?

BAILEY

You are the world’s best procrastinator. All hail the Queen! (Bows to Noelle)

NOELLE

(In a joking tone) Shut up, you jester.

BAILEY

As you command, my lord.

NOELLE

(Eyes open wide and she jumps up) Wait a minute! Jester… queen…. we should do one where there is a jester and a queen and the jester has to make the queen laugh and if he does not, he gets killed. Oh my gosh, it’s perfect! I love medieval times and all that, this is perfect!

BAILEY

Well that’s not actually all that bad…

NOELLE

Of course it’s good, I thought of it, after all.

BAILEY

Alright there, Shakespeare, good job. I guess you wont have to do my homework since you got it instead of me, huh?

NOELLE

Oh, well… I guess I could help you, since you helped me. Besides without that queen- bowing down thing, I would have never thought of it…

BAILEY

Thanks, man.

(Both sisters hug)

NOELLE