Don’t Get Caught – Ross School (2012)
Jack Chrysler and Tommy Jerido perform in Evan Johnson’s play, “Don’t Get Caught.” Photo by Star Black.
Don’t Get Caught by Evan Johnson
Click here to watch a video of this performance.
Voices off stage yelling and screaming. Party noises. Boy yelling off stage—
Conner: Hey, hey, hey watch it… That’s an antique!
Connor rushes on stage and pushes open bathroom door. Closes and locks
it.Cell phone rings.
Conner:(out of breath) Hello?
OS Brett: Heeyyyyy Conner (giggles) I heard you were having a party… parents
outta town and all.
Conner: Uh yeah I’m having a small get…
OS Brett: So when should I come over broo?
Conner: It’s sorta a small…
OS Brett: Bro, come on
Conner: Listen I have to go
OS Brett: Conner… Conner… Conner…
Conner hangs up. Connor peaks outside door.More party noises as if others are
arriving.
OS Random kid 1: Hey Conner, thanks for having me, man!
OS Random Kid 2: Yeah me too, this is sweet!
Conner: (yelling out the door)Yeah… no problem… (slams bathroom door) Who
the fuck was that…?
Cell phone rings again.
Conner: Hello??
OS Brett: Conner (giggles) brahhh… I’m I’m I’m gonna come ok?
Conner: No, I’m sorry Brett but you can’t. There’s too many people already.
Hangs up. Phone rings again
Conner: YES?
OS Brett: Brah!
Conner hangs up.A knock on Bathroom door
Connor: who is it?
Ryan: It’s me man, open the door. (connor opens door)Hey dude.
Conner: Ryan! What the hell man. I thought you were only inviting a few people
over.
Ryan: I didn’t invite people. That was Cassie and Blair and Jenna’s job.
Conner: Cassie’s coming?
Ryan: No shit. But why the interest in Cassie bro? She isn’t dtf… And you know if
you try Dean’ll beat the crap out of you.
Conner: I thought they split?
Ryan: Your point?
Conner: If they’re not together then
Ryan: it doesn’t matter. Dean will kill you if you go for Cassie.
Cell phone rings.
Conner: Hang on
Conner answers cell phone.
Conner: Yeah?
OS Brett: Duuuuuude…
Conner: Fuck off.
Hangs up. Phone rings again.
Conner: Anyway bout Cassie.
Home Phone rings again.
Conner: Listen! I swear if you call hear one more time I’ll…
OS Mother: Conner, it’s your mother.
Conner: Oh uh sorry I thought you were someone else. Hang on,
Conner to Ryan: Shiiiiiit. Hey listen tell everyone to keep it down… it’s my
parents!
Ryan exits. Noise quiets down just enough for the conversation to be heard.
Conner: Hello?
OS Mother: Hey honey. What’s the 411?
Conner: Uhh… not much just studying with Ryan.
OS Mother: (joking) There’s not a wild party going on is there? L.O.L
Conner: No mom, and please. Don’t say that. Ever again.
OS Mother: I was just Jking geese loosin up.
Conner: OK mom.(he peeks out the bathroom door)
OS Random kid 3: YEAAAAHHHH PARRRTYY!!! LEGGO! WHERE’S THE
KEG?
OS Random Kid 4: Right over here… let’s bring it in.
OS Mother: What was that?
Conner: Uh informative movie for health class?
OS Mother: Oh what movie is it? I probably know it, there always reusing movies
from my day and age… you know they based a movie off dad? LAND OF TIME.
Cracks up.
Conner: Mom… you’re ha ha hilarious…
OS Mother: Woohoo… I crack myself up
Ryan rushes into bathroom)
Ryan: Dude… you need to come here right now.
Conner: I’m talking to my mom…
Ryan: Tell her you’ll call her back. You need to come.
Conner: Uh mom, I’ll call you back.
Hangs up. Ryan pulls him to door. They listen.
OS Random Kid 5: take it off
OS Random kid 6: I found the liquor cabinet.
OS Group of voices: CHUG CHUG CHUG
Breaking glass sound
Conner: Fuckkk. I can’t believe this is happening!
Ryan: Chill out. It’ll be ok.
Conner: That was way to close. My mom could have easily found out. What if
she decides to come back or someone comes to check on me? I’m gonna be
grounded for life.
Ryan: Chill she’s not coming back. They took Alice to Disneyland. There not
going to come back just too check on you. They always go away and you never
do anything. They’ve never had someone check on you.
Conner: Well yeah but I’ve never done anything before.
Ryan: There’s not even that many people here.
Conner: There’s not that many people here? Are you shitting me?
Ryan: Chill. You’re not going to be mad at Cassie and Blair and Jenna right…
I don’t think you should say anything too them… I’m sure they didn’t mean too
invite this many people. I bet they were just trying to throw a awesome party to
really introduce you to everyone…
Ryan rubs his head uncomfortably and glances sideways at Conner. Conner
catches it.
Conner: What??
Ryan: Oh look! Here comes Cassie.
Opens bathroom door and yells to cassie.
Ryan: HEY CASS (yells)
Conner:(peeking through door) Hey Cassie. Glad you came
OS Cassie: Hey Conner! This is a pretty good party… Why don’t you join the
party? What are you doing? Taking a dump in there?? Gonna be even better now
that Blair, Jenna and I are here. (laughs)
Conner: Yeah (Seems awkward) Uhhh the party doesn’t start until you guys walk
in…
Ryan give Conner a wtf look. Cassie laughs. Jenna and Blair come up.
OS Blair: Hey Hey Party’s here!!
Conner: Hey girls… What’s up?
OS Jenna: Not much. What are you doing in there? So much for a small get
together right? It’s a good thing all your parents aren’t around
Conner: Yeah I know. You guys were the ones who invited people though…
OS Cassie: No we didn’t? That was Ryan haha
Conner: Ryan…?
Ryan: Uhh…
OS Random kid: DUDE someone’s trying to fuck your dog!
Conner: Daisy! NO shit.
Conner runs out of bathroom. Ryan closes door and starts meddling in the
medicine cabinet while talking to Cassie, Jenna, and Blair.Cassie tries to open
door.
OS Cassie:Hey, room in there for me? You told Conner we were the ones that
invited people?
Ryan: Look, I’m sorry I panicked. Conner won’t get mad at you guys. He’d kill
me.
OS Cassie: But we didn’t. You knew Conner would freak. Why’d you do it? And
what if he gets mad at us?
Ryan: He wont he likes you…
OS Cassie: He likes me?
Ryan: Isn’t it obvious? And I just want him to fit in. Throwing a really good party
is a instant way to be accepted. I’d didn’t mean for it to get this wild… and I
definitely don’t want him to get in trouble.
OS Cassie: Tell him that. He’ll understand. I want to talk to him. Are you sure he
likes me?
Ryan: Yes I’m positive. And OK.
OS Jenna: Ooohhhh. Cass! Whatchu going do about it?
OS Blair: She’s gonna get it in. Duh
Conner walks up.
Conner: Excuse me girls. (pounds on door) Dude, let me in.
Ryan: Bro can we talk for a second?
Conner: Sure, just us or do you want to invite the entire football team too?
Walk to other part of stage.
Conner: I can’t believe you were the one who invited everyone. What the hell!
And then to blame it on the girls? That’s an asshole move bro.
Ryan: Listen, dude, I’m really sorry. I just wanted you to get a taste of how we
all party. Everyone loves you because of this. I just wanted this to be, like a
introduction party for you to really bond with everyone. I didn’t want to like use
you or get you in trouble.
Conner: I know you meant to be good. I just can’t get caught or else my life is like
over you know? And why’d you blame it on Cass?
Ryan: I knew you wouldn’t get mad at her. Don’t worry I just helped you out with
that. And I wont let you get caught.
Conner: Nah its fine. Thanks though. Just keep everything quiet while I go to call
my mom back. And keep everything in check if that’s ok.
Ryan: Yeah I got you. But I’d check with Cassie first. She said she wanted to
“talk” to you.
Conner: Ight haha. Thanks bro.
Conner’s cell phone rings.
Conner: it’s cassie.
Ryan leaves stage.
Conner: Hey Cass
OS Cassie: Hey Conner. Since you’re in the bathroom for a very long time I
thought I’d call you.I’m really sorry about this. I hope you don’t get in trouble. And
I hope you weren’t too mean to Ryan. He was just looking out for you.
Conner: Yeah I know I get it, and thanks it’ll be fine. Anyway Ryan said you
wanted to talk to me?
OS Cassie: Yeah, someone said you liked me?
Conner: Oh… well to be honest I do. But I totally get it if you not over dean or if
you just don’t like me.
OS Cassie: Hahahahahah of course I like you. Your so nice and your kinda hot
haha. I actually really liked you but I thought you liked Jenna… or you were gay.
Conner: Uhm, well I’m not… I like you.
OS Cassie: Does this mean your going to ask me out?
Conner: It may. Cassie will you please
Conner has another call coming in.
Conner: Seriously?(to phone)
Conner: Cassie hold on.
Conner: Hi mom…hold on. Hi again…yes I like you a lot.
OS Mom: Ah honey, you are so cute
Conner: Who…mom? Hold on.
OS Mom: Wait..Why didn’t you call me back?
Conner: Sorry, Ryan and I were studying and ordered pizza.
OS Mom: That’s fun! Anyway….
Ryan comes banging on the bathroom door.
Ryan: Come now this is serious. There are people naked on your roof. And that’s
illegal! If the cops see we can all get arrested. I’ll talk to your mom.
Conner: Your kidding. Mom, heres Ryan
Ryan: Hey Ms. H. How’s Disney?
Conner runs away yelling.
OS Mom: Oh hey Ryan! It’s great! How’s studying?
Ryan: Oh it’s great! Your son is really great. He cleaned up and he really helped
me understand quantum physics. You should really go away more often!
OS Mom: Really? That’s fantastic! He’s been really great lately with Alice and all.
I’m so proud!
Ryan: Yes, you should be everyone loves him here.
OS mom: Well that’s great! SO there’s no problem over there?
Ryan: Only if your count homework as a problem
OS mom: Ahahah I do not. Then I should probably go. Tell Conner I love him and
I’ll see him tomorrow night. Bye Ryan!
Ryan: Bye Ms. H!
Ryan finds Conner.
Ryan: I dealt with your mom. If she asks, you taught me quantum physics and
cleaned the house.
Conner: Quantum physics? Ha ok thanks man. I got the people down from the
roof. They were completely stoned.
Ryan: Listen, I think we should shut down the party.
Conner: You do?
Ryan: Yeah, everyone already likes you. It was stupid of me to invite everyone.
I’ll tell everyone
Conner: No it’s fine. I feel bad about lying to my parents but the party’s already
happening. No need to stop it now.
Ryan: At least let me kick out the stoners and the hockey team and people.
There’s no need for them to be here. YO LISTEN ASSWIPES. TIME TO GET
OUT OF HERE.
Conner: Ok thanks bro. I’m going to find Cassie
Ryan: Good luck!
Ryan walks off and Conner is about to follow when his cell rings.
Conner: Heyy!
OS Cassie: hey I hope everything worked out well with your mom.
Conner: Yeah everything’s just fine. Ryan saved my ass.
OS Cassie: Aw that’s good. Your not mad at him, right?
Conner: Not at all, but anyway we were kinda interrupted before.
OS Cassie: Yes, you were going to ask me something? Smiles.
Conner: Yes. Cassie. Will you go out with me?
OS Cassie: I would love too
Conner: Cool!
OS Cassie: ah Conner? Do you want to come out now or are you still taking a
dump?
Conner: Ah yea…I mean I want to come out. Just cleaning up…(he looks at
himself in the mirror. He moves to door and says as he is opening it….
Conner: Do you want to join the party?
Conner exits stage. It goes black.
