Zodiantics (2019)
Zodiantics
By Hope Hamilton
YAWP SUMMER WORKSHOPS (Ross School)
Click here to watch Zodiantics
SETTING: The Galaxy.
(Lights up on TAURUS orbiting LEO.)
TAURUS
Yes it is!
LEO
No it isn’t!
TAURUS
Yes it is!
LEO
No it isn’t!
TAURUS
Yes it-yes it is, Leo! Ophiuchus is a real zodiac sign. I’m not gonna fight you on this anymore.
LEO
No it’s not! The zodiac has always had twelve signs. For eternity! You can’t just add a thirteenth. It’s illegal!
TAURUS
It’s not ille—Leo, why can’t you just accept the change?
LEO
Because it’s unnecessary, Taurus! There’s no need for an extra zodiac. There’s twelve months in the year. Therefore, twelve zodiac signs. If we add a thirteenth, then why not add a fourteenth, or a fifteenth? Or a twentieth? Oh right, because then you’ll get about a week to truly shine instead of a month. Would you like that?
TAURUS
(defeated) No. (getting back on track) But that’s besides the point. Listen; sometimes, things change. Nothing is going to stay the same forever. We just have to accept that. Plus, you don’t even know Ophiuchus yet. I bet she’s really nice.
LEO
(scoffs) I bet she’s a bitch.
TAURUS
(sarcastically) Lovely.
LEO
I don’t like outsiders. This space is for the twelve of us. No one else. My opinion stands.
TAURUS
This is just like when you first met Virgo. You had it set in stone that she was going to be this critical, over-analytical person. And you ended up really liking her. (To himself) Oh, the irony.
(LEO stops in her tracks.)
LEO
What was that?
(TAURUS doesn’t look her in the eye)
TAURUS
Nothing, I didn’t say anything.
LEO
You know what? I’ve had enough of your judgment.
TAURUS
(coughs) Hypocrite.
LEO
Excuse me?
(TAURUS laughs. LEO puts her hands on her hips.)
LEO
Did I stutter?
TAURUS
It’s just funny how you complain about being judged, yet here you are, dissecting an innocent being’s personality, having not even met her yet. Doesn’t something seem…off, in that statement?
LEO
How dare you.
TAURUS
Here we go. You’re always so over dramatic, Leo! I call you out for being wrong and suddenly I’M the villain. Why do you feel the need to be so right all the time?
LEO
Why do you feel the need to attack me when I’m vulnerable?
TAURUS
You’re kidding me, right? You’re gonna play the victim right now? Why can’t you just accept that you’re wrong for once in your life?
LEO
Why can’t you accept that the only reason you’re bitter is because you’re jealous of me?
TAURUS
(laughs in disbelief)
You’re joking now. You have to be joking, Leo, come on! Gag’s over. This isn’t funny.
LEO
So you think my feelings are a joke?
TAURUS
Precisely.
LEO
You know what? I’ve had it with you. You’re always undermining my feelings and my actions. Always criticizing every move I make. I don’t know why I decided to become friends with you. You’re a terrible being!
TAURUS
I’m the terrible being?
LEO
I wish I never became friends with you! I wish I had just stayed with Sagittarius. He told me things wouldn’t work out between us. I should’ve listened to him.
TAURUS
Why are you bringing Sagittarius into this?
LEO
Because he’s a goodhearted, forgiving, understanding being. Unlike you.
TAURUS
He’s tactless, he’s insensitive! Don’t you remember how terribly he made you feel? When you came running to me, in tears, because-
LEO
STOP! Just go die in a black hole already!
TAURUS
Leo, come on. This is silly! All I said was that Ophiuchus was probably nice, and you shouldn’t have judged her.
LEO
Well if you like Ophiuchus so much why don’t you orbit her instead?
TAURUS
Why are you such a Drama queen?!
LEO
Why are you so stubborn?!
AQUARIUS (O.S.)
What’s all that noise?
(LEO and TAURUS freeze and roll their eyes.)
LEO AND TAURUS
Nothing, Aquarius!
AQUARIUS (O.S.)
It better be nothing. I need you guys to make the Big Dipper comfortable for our new Zodiac.
(LEO and TAURUS groan)
LEO
God I hate him. This is stupid. Why can’t he prep the big dipper? Or get Cancer or Aries to do it? They’d do anything to stay on his good side.
TAURUS
Please. Cancer’s way too emotional, and Aries is too combative. Let’s just get it over with.
(LEO groans. They start to clean their area. Leo picks up a string of lights. It’s the little dipper.)
LEO
The little dipper! So this is where it goes when it isn’t orbiting me.
TAURUS
Be careful with that!
LEO
(Mocking) Uh oh, I’m gonna drop it! Uh oh! Uh—
(LEO drops the Little Dipper. Its lights turn off.)
LEO (cont’d)
Oh… oops.
TAURUS
Oh. My. Aqua.
LEO
First of all, don’t use his name in vain, he’ll get angry. Second, what are we gonna do?! Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god… (Various other freaking out noises)
TAURUS
(Mocking) Aquarius is gonna kill you! You’re in for it now. He’s gonna be so mad. He might even replace you with Ophiuchus!
LEO
(scared) You really think he’ll do that?
TAURUS
No… no! I was just messing with you. It was stupid, sorry.
LEO
How do we fix this Taurus? We broke the little dipper! We-
TAURUS
Okay, okay. Calm down! Leo, in this galaxy, I’m basically a bull in a china shop. I break things all the time. We’ll figure it out together. It’ll be fine.
LEO
(stops) You’d do that for me?
TAURUS
Of course, Leo. We’re friends. No matter how often we fight, we’ll always have a bond. You can’t erase a millennia of friendship just like that. (snaps fingers)
(LEO smiles, thinks.)
LEO
So, what do we do? Should we go to Libra? He’s always fair and sees both sides…
TAURUS
No. Libra won’t be able to make a decision. He’s too indecisive.
LEO
Scorpio? He’s feisty…
TAURUS
And unpredictable. He’ll sting.
LEO
Capricorn?
TAURUS
Too controlling.
LEO
Pisces?
TAURUS
Who? (beat) We have go to Aquarius, and tell him the truth. Together.
LEO
Okay.
(They walk downstage together, to confront AQUARIUS.)
AQUARIUS (O.S.)
What happened?
(Sees TAURUS)
Taurus, what did you do?
(TAURUS looks taken aback, offended.)
LEO
(to TAURUS) I got this. (To AQUARIUS) We were fixing up the room for Ophiuchus and we…I… broke the little dipper. It wasn’t Taurus’s fault. All mine.
AQUARIUS (O.S.)
Then why is he here?
LEO
He’s here because…because…
TAURUS
Because Leo’s my friend. And I’m here to support her, that’s what friends do.
AQUARIUS (O.S.)
(fed up) Okay, Leo. As a punishment, you won’t be allowed in the night sky for a month.
TAURUS
Whoa whoa whoa. That’s harsh.
AQUARIUS (O.S.)
She broke the little dipper, Taurus. One of the most important constellations! I’m being nice here. I could banish her from the sky forever.
TAURUS
You wouldn’t.
AQUARIUS (O.S.)
Careful.
TAURUS
Fine. If Leo can’t be in the sky for a month, neither can I.
AQUARIUS (O.S.)
But you didn’t do anything… for once.
TAURUS
I’m not gonna let my friend be unfairly punished alone. (to LEO) I’m here for you.
LEO
Thank you.
(They share a glance, smiling.)
AQUARIUS (O.S.)
Fine. One less constellation to worry about. Now go fix the Little Dipper before I make your punishment worse.
(LEO and TAURUS scurry off to fiddle with the Little Dipper.)
TAURUS
I’m proud of you.
LEO
Shut up. (beat) How are we gonna fix this?
TAURUS
Together, that’s how.
(LEO and TAURUS share a smile. They play around with the Little Dipper. Suddenly the lights turn back on.)
TAURUS (cont’d)
See? I knew we could do it.
(LEO lets out a sigh of relief.)
AQUARIUS (O.S.)
(fiercely) Everyone! She’s here! Places, places!
TAURUS
Ready?
LEO
Ready as I’ll ever be. Thank you, by the way.
TAURUS
How many times have I told you; That’s what I’m here for. Let’s go.
(He takes her hand. They start to exit.)
AQUARIUS (O.S.)
Oops, my bad. False alarm, guys! It was just Gemini’s second face.
(TAURUS and LEO look at each other.)
LEO & TAURUS (together)
Oh. My. AQUA!
(Blackout.)
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