Turn, Turn, Turn – Ross School (2013)

Turn, Turn, Turn by Amanda Mintz

Click here to watch a video of this performance.

(Eddie and Guadalupe are in a fight – Guadalupe is off stage)

Eddie: Please! Don’t leave me! I need you!

Guadalupe: No, no, no! You just don’t get eet! Iyam not your leetle food slut!

Eddie: But I love you!

Guadalupe: No! you just love my blood!

Eddie: But…but I need you!

Guadalupe: Adios Meester Eedie!

Eddie: But please…

Guadalupe: ADIOS!!!

(the next day Eddie, sad and heartbroken that Guadalupe left him, ventures
out into the streets of New York to find another source of blood.)

Girl: Aha! I see you!

Eddie: What? Whose there?

Girl: Gotcha!

(The girl throws holy water on Eddie and then shines a light in his eyes)

Eddie: Ahhhh! You dampened me! Remove that blinding light from my eyes!

(Eddie covers his eyes with one hand)

Girl: Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! An actualy vampire!

Eddie: Leave me alone! Free me from this loathsome trap, you insipid creatures!
And get rid of that god-awful light!

(Eddie tries to run, but the girl follows him with the light)

Girl: Don’t leave! I just want to talk!

Eddie: W…with a vulgar creature such as I?

Girl: Of course, sill, otherwise why would I have trapped you?

Eddie: Well…

Girl: I have so many questions…What’s you name; where were you turned; how old
are you;where were you born; what’s your favorite color; human or animal blood?

Eddie: Slow down, dear. I didn’t even happen upon your name.

Girl: Oh haha, I’m Stacey, what’s your name?

Eddie: I am Edward Atticus Charles Montgomery Adams III.

(Stacy looks puzzled)

Stacy: I’ll just call you Eddie.

Eddie: I’d rather…

Stacy: I can already tell you are going to be the one to turn me. And we’re going to
be best friends. And…and…

Eddie: Calm yourself darling. Let’s not start down that path, shall we? First, tell me
how you found me.

Stacy: I go vampire hunting every night. Tonight I was just walking down this street
and I saw your beautiful mansion. I just had this gut feeling…you know when you
bake a sweet cherry pie and you just know it’s going to make your belly all warm
and fuzzy when you take the first bite…well I had that feeling to look in this alley
next to your mansion. And look, here you are.

Eddie: Ummm…I have no desire to linger here drenched in these wet clothes. The
holy water is not a real thing that harms vampires, you know. Why don’t we go
inside my house and I’ll make us a nice cup of tea?

Stacy: That’d be the best thing to ever happen to me, Thank you so much!

Stacy: (to herself) Omigod. Be cool. Don’t overdo it. Just be nice to him and then
convince him to turn you. You got this.

(Eddie walks into the mansion followed by Stacey. He walks offstage into what
would be the kitchen to get tea)

Eddie: English breakfast, chamomile, or green tea?

Stacy: Do you have Coke?

Eddie: (gasps) That diluted sugary abomination.

Stacy: Ummm…I guess?

Eddie: No. I shall never even be brought into my household. I shall just get you
water instead.

Stacy: Sounds great.

(Eddie leaves the stage and returns with a cup of tea and a glass of water)

Eddie: Now what is it that you wanted me to answer? I will answer almost anything
as long as it has an appropriate answer.

Stacy: Well…what year were you born and where? (In a British accent) I presume
England due to your proper vocabulary and accent.

Eddie: Do not mock me, child!

Stacy: The question…

Eddie: Right. I was born in London in 1798 to Lord Edward Atticus Charles
Montgomery Adams the II.

Stacy: Wow. There’s an Eddie Senior. That’s weird.

Eddie: Actually I am the third, so I am twice the first Edward Atticus Charles
Montgomery Adams’s junior.

Stacy: I don’t actually care. Tell me something that won’t bore me.

Eddie: Did your mother not teach you any manners darling?

Stacy: (In a snappy voice, mock British accent) Well sorry, luv, but me mommy is a

Eddie: You are a pain in my arse.

Stacy: (mock British accent)(Screams) Arse arse arse arse!

Eddie: I’m going to need you to leave my house. Vulgarity is no substitute for wit,
dumbass, and you are not worth my time!

Stacy: Wait! Please, I’m sorry! Let’s start over. I promise I’ll be good. I still really
want to be your friend!

Eddie: What makes me so special for you to want to me to be your friend?

Stacy: Well for starters, you’re the oldest person I’ve ever met.

Eddie: that’s not a very good reason.

Stacy: And you’re a vampire!

Eddie: But I’m a monster!

Stacy: No, you’re unique.

Eddie: I live in a rundown mansion hiding from the beauty and light of the world.
You know that when I left my house tonight, it was the first time in fifteen years for
me to ever step outside.

Stacy: So you can start over and I can be your first friend.

Eddie: Well I did have one friend, my maid Guadalupe, but she quit yesterday.


Eddie: Slow down darling, what about your family?

Stacy: They barely know I exist.

Eddie: Well…I don’t actually know you either, so your relatives can’t be too dreadful.

Stacy: My mom doesn’t even know who Edwards Cullen is! And my dad is totally
team Jacob. Like what the fuck, dad? Can you believe it?

Eddie: Who are these people?

Stacy: Where have you been living? Under a rock!

Eddie: Well I haven’t left my house in fifteen years so…

Stacy: (to herself) Well you couldn’t have picked a more boring vampire now could
you? You just had to find this loser as your first vampire didn’t you!

Eddie: You know I can hear your crude commentary.

Stacy: Do I look like I care?

Eddie: Stop being such a brat! I invited you into my home and here you are mocking
me right before my eyes! Well I see us meeting was a terrible waste of time and
I must ask you to please exit my home for the clock ticks every second and I
wouldn’t be pleased to spend another second of my eternity in the presence of such
trash! You wanted to hear my story but I guess you are too unintelligent to ever
understand a creature with any depth at all such as i. you can show yourself out
(gestures to the door).

Stacy: Wait! I’m sorry! I promise I’ll listen…And after I’m done listening then…then
you can turn me into a vampire!

(Stacy and Eddie sit back down on the couch)

Eddie: I refuse to turn you into a bloodsucking beast such as myself. Everyone I
touch dies and you will not be next.

Stacy: Don’t you want a taste of my thick creamy blood?

(Stacy pushes her hair away from her neck and moves closer to Eddie)

Eddie: Everyone I bite eventually leaves me. Do you know why I went outside
tonight of all nights? Well it was because Guadalupe was my main food source, and
she just left just like everyone else for whom my heart beats its sad lonely tune.

(Stacy moves even closer to Eddie)

Stacy: Umm…what does that mean?

Eddie: Do I need to spell it out for you? Everyone…I…love…dies!

Stacy: My offer still remains…(Stacy wiggles her eyebrows). I won’t tell anyone if
you just take one…small…bite.

(Eddie gets up)

Eddie: Why do you tempt me so? I already refused so why keep bothering me about

Stacy: Because I hate my life as a human. I have no friends. My family as I already
mentioned does not appreciate Twilight, I mean really…what…the fuck?

Eddie: Well I don’t really know what Twilight is as I have already said.

Stacy: How come you can’t turn me? Then you’ll always have someone by your side;
a friend, a companion, someone to love who will never die.

Eddie: Well I suppose I could consider it…

Stacy: Yes or no?

Eddie: Well…


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