Stuck Buck – Shelter Island School (2010)
by Tommy Card
Shelter Island School, Shelter Island, NY.
Music- “I’m Too Sexy.”
(In the Woods. Afternoon. Stuck Buck is unconscious on the ground. He has just been tagged, but he doesn’t know it yet)
Stuck Buck: (groggily batting imaginary mom away) Mom! Just five more minutes. Five more minutes please…Whoah… what happened?… (wiping his face on his way to standing. Feels tag) uhhhh stupid leaves. Get off! This part of the woods has the worst static cling. My hair sticks to everything! (Tugging at tags) Ow! What the buck? What is this? Wait, what? Yes!! Tags!! I finally got my tags! (jumps around all excited)
Stuck Buck: I’m going to town to get me some babes! (While walking to town starts singing) I’m too sexy with my tags, so sexy with my tags. I’m sexy! Yeah, I’m hot, I know it. You like it. (Poses while saying🙂 Pose. Pose. Look at my tags yo. Bet you wish you had some. What, you want me to kiss your baby? Okay, I’ll kiss your baby. (makes smoochy sounds) Yeah, I know. I’m hot. (Starts singing again) I’m too sexy with these tags, so sexy with these tags, so sexy! (pause) I’m too good for this place. I’ve outgrown this little island of nobodies. I need bigger places, bigger spaces. I’m going across the waters.
(Swimming sounds as he swims across the water)
(Bigger Woods on the main land. Buck shakes water of body, then sees Jane Doe running across stage)
Stuck: Oooo, who is that? Stuck is liking what he’s seeing. (Struts up to Jane) Hey baby, what’s good on this side of the wood?
Jane: Ew, what’s wrong with your head?
Stuck: Oh, you like that? Yeah, that’s just my… tags. So whachu do’in tonight?
Jane: Sorry, I don’t talk to strangers.
Stuck: I’m no stranger baby. I know you see me in your dreams every night.
Jane: Please. I have plenty of bucks over here begging for my attention. I don’t need any strange alien bucks like you trying to sweep me off my hooves.
Stuck: I’m not trying to sweep anything. I hate cleaning. Besides, I can bet you that none of those bucks are like me!
Jane: Thank God!
Stuck: Let’s start over. Hi, I’m Stuck.
Jane: Stuck on what?
Stuck: No, I’m Stuck!
Jane: Stuck on yourself. (Turns to leave)
Stuck: (Sincerely) Wait! Wait, come back. Please?
Jane: Fine. I’m Jane Doe. You’ve probably heard of me.
Stuck: Can’t say that I have. But that’s okay, not everyone can be as famous as me.
Jane: Stuck? I haven’t heard of anybody named Stuck before you.
Stuck: That’s right. I’m Stuck Buck, the next…John Deer!!
Jane: Yeah, well, good luck with that. (She wanders off to eat some shrubs)
Stuck: (Speaking out loud to himself) I don’t get this, the does where I come from would be all over me now that I have these cool tags. What’s the problem with her? I mean, look at me, I’m big, bold, beautiful…and tagged! How could she resist? (stands in a thinking pose, rubbing his chin with his hoof)……..Yep, I’ve got nothing, I’m just too irresistible…(points at body) how can she resist this?! None of those bucks over there even have tags! (Pause) So, that’s it! She’s Tagist!! She is judging me before she even knows me, just because I have these tags! She thinks she’s better than me! (He walks over to her in a rage) Now I get it, you’re Tagist! You think you’re better than me because you don’t have tags in your ears!!
Jane: Yeah, well, you were acting like you were better than us because you have tags! So I guess that makes you, what? An Anti-naturalist?
Stuck: Hey! I’m not the one with the attitude problem here, you are! I liked you when I first saw you, but now, I don’t know…
Jane: You liked me? You don’t even know me! You liked my looks, you’re just like those other bucks over there, judging me by my looks and not by who I am inside!
Stuck: Yeah, well isn’t that what you were doing too? Judging me because I have tags?
(Both turn away from each other to think about this, and talk out loud to themselves while facing the other way)
Jane: I guess he has a point…
Stuck: Well, she is good-looking, I can’t help noticing that, I mean look at her body…all plump in the middle…
Jane: and he is pretty hot, even with those stupid tag things.
Stuck: and those nice polished hooves…
Jane: Maybe I should give him another chance.
Stuck: Maybe I just need a better pick-up line
(They hear a gun shot, both run around and end up bumping into each other)
Jane: Wow, that sounded close!
(He turns toward her)
Stuck: Hey, come here little plump-muffin. Did that scare you? Why don’t you let this big, strong buck put his hoofs around you to keep you safe.
Jane: (She walks away shaking her head) Oh, God, he’s hopeless!!!
Stuck: Hey, baby, where you going? Come on Plump-a-licious, let’s get something started here!
Jane: Go back to your little island, loser.
Stuck: (Pouting like his feeling are hurt…then looks off in another direction at a new hot-looking girl deer) Looks like these other girls can’t keep their eyes off me… Hey there lard-a-lishous- I’d love to be a tick on your body!
Jane: Bucks! (Shaking her head) They’re all the same!
Lights fade out with “I’m too sexy” music in the background