Soap Opera (2019)
By Frey Wood
(The stage is dark. Belinda enters. There is a sound of a door closing. Derek turns the lamp on.)
DEREK: Where have you been?
BELINDA: Just… out.
DEREK: Belinda, tell me!
BELINDA: Fine, I have some things to confess. it’s just.. I went to the story to buy some things.
DEREK: Really,? That’s it?
BELINDA: No, there’s more. I… I… bought cookies. (Bursts out in tears.)
DEREK: Really, that’s all?
BELINDA: And… and ice cream.
DEREK: Really, that’s your confession!
BELINDA: And… and.. please don’t get mad at me, but … (begins to pull things out of her bag)
BELINDA: I-I bought a teddy bear and a gold ball!
DEREK: Just a single golf ball?
BELINDA: yes, but I’m not done! I… I, oh I’m so sorry, I bought five t-shirts, two pairs of sweatpants, five grams of coffee, two inches of gift cards, some wigs, some plates, and some Dawn Dishsoap (places the soap in the middle of the table carefully so the brand name faces towards the audience)
DEREK: Soap! Finally, something we need!
BELINDA: But that’s not all… I-I also bought Apple
DEREK: You mean you bought an apple.
BELINDA: Yes… (pulls an apple out of the bag)
BELINDA: But I also bought Apple, the tech company
DEREK: You what!
BELINDA: And… I bought Elon Musk
ELON MUSK: (offstage) Hello!
BELINDA: Derek… (starts sobbing even harder) That’s not the worst part… I am the President.
DEREK: Of… what? (crossing his fingers hoping she doesn’t say something insane)
BELINDA: Of the Brooklyn Ladies Gardening Club.
(DEREK is noticeably relieved)
BELINDA: And of the U.S.
DEREK: What do you mean?
BELINDA: Oh, it was easy, nobody really cared when I replaced the President.
DEREK: Yeah, i can see that.
BELINDA: I’m also the Queen of England, the Prime Minister or Germany, the Pharaoh of Egypt, and the President of China, but those are just minor things.
BELINDA: See, the thing is… (sobs even harder) You- you are pregnant.
DEREK: That’s not even possible!
BELINDA: And… I’m cheating on you.
DEREK: How could you!
BELINDA: With your brother.
DEREK: I don’t have a brother!
BELINDA: Your mother and I have been hiding the fact that you have a secret twin
DEREK: What do you mean “your mother and I?”
BELINDA: I’m… I- I’m your father.
DEREK: That’s not possible!
BELINDA: Not only your father, but I- I’m everyone’s father!
BELINDA: Because… B-Because I’m God! (starts crying even harder)
DEREK: How could you not tell me!
BELINDA: You see I am Krishna, the seventh reincarnation is Vishnu, Sun Wu Kong, the all mighty sage of Flower Fruit Mountain, son of Thor, Son of Odin, Lord Zeus commander of lightning, the Buddha, the all merciful Allah…
DEREK: Jesus Christ, Belinda!
BELINDA: And Jesus, the Father, and the Holy Spirit.
DEREK: You know I’m an atheist!
BELINDA: I thought you said no matter what you would love me?
(BELINDA takes all of her stuff, except for the Dawn Dishsoap, puts it in her bag, and exits)
DEREK: (Looking directly at the audience holding Dawn Dishsoap) You know all my girlfriends keep secrets from me. Honestly, I don’t know why I am surprised anymore. But I know its always gonna work out because I have Dawn Dishsoap. Dawn is always by my side because it cleans the greasiest grease. Dawn breaks it up and takes it away!
DIRECTOR: (offstage) CUT!