Scripted Scene by G. Chance Sevigny (2011)
Scene: The dark bridge of a UFO.
A scrawny, disheveled, young-adult male, named WALTER, lies strapped to an operating table. He wakes up, frightened, confused, and disoriented. Behind him a tall, insect-like ALIEN emerges from a sliding door. The ALIEN is holding a clipboard, and looks bored out of his whatever-he-has-instead-of-a-skull. WALTER attempts to turn his head, but the straps are immobilizing him. The ALIEN closes the door behind him, checking his clipboard, and pacing around WALTER.
ALIEN
Okay, James Stoggs?
WALTER
Don’t take my wallet!
(The ALIEN looks up, annoyed.)
ALIEN
What?
WALTER
No, I’m sorry, force of habit.
ALIEN
No, what’s a wallet?
WALTER
It’s a receptacle for money, so people can steal it conveniently. They were invented in 1460 by Oliver – I can’t stop talking when I’m nervous.
(The ALIEN looks back down.)
ALIEN
(Sarcastic) How horrible for you.
WALTER
(Oblivious) Yeah, I’ve had the problem ever since I could talk, but I’m also kind of excited, It’s not a great combination. Thanks for taking an interest; you seem like a nice guy. It’s a pity you’ll have to probe me.
(The ALIEN drops his clipboard.)
ALIEN
(Outraged) What? No! No, god no, you don’t need to worry about that. Only Bob does that. We’re holding an intervention on Saturday.
WALTER
(Slightly fast) But you’ll have to probe me. I’ve heard all about what happens, and your not doing this very professionally. You know, you run some tests, then erase my memory but not completely, and leave me wandering naked on a farm in Nevada, where and angry potato farmer chases me with a shot gun – I am really nervous.
(Beat)
ALIEN
(Taken aback) Who the hell did they license to do that?
WALTER
(Very fast) You know, I always imagined the aliens that abducted me as looking more human, but I guess that’s just ’cause I’m such a Star Trek fan. I totally love that show don’t you? You have to have watched it, because you’re all monitoring out transmissions and all that. But anyway, my friends in the UFO-spotting community always told me real-life aliens were four feet tall and had weird lemur eyes that stare you down until you puke out you liver- okay, I’m stopping now.
(Beat)
ALIEN
Would you hold it against me if I didn’t understand half the things you said?
(WALTER looks the ALIEN blankly.)
ALIEN
Look are you James Stoggs or not?
(He picks the board up.)
WALTER
No, that’s my brother. I’m Walter.
ALIEN
His brother?
WALTER
Well, when a mommy and a-
ALIEN
I know what it is. This is just going to mean a lot of paperwork. It was hard the first time, and even then we got the wrong guy, namely you. Seriously, how do you get off on being so wrong every day?
(Beat)
WALTER
Why did you want Jim?
ALIEN
Jim?
WALTER
Short for James.
ALIEN
(Hushed) Oh, that’s stupid.
WALTER
What?
ALIEN
Look, we just needed someone with your brother’s credentials. Do you know how hard it is to find and astrophysicist, astronaut, and star athlete all in one person? Surprisingly easy actually, your brother was all over the news.
(He turns away, flitting through his papers.)
WALTER
Weil, that’s a given with Jim. What I mean is, what did you want all that for?
ALIEN
Piloting a ship. The Execs wanted a down-home kind of uncivilized species, for image’s sake, and James was the most competent human.
WALTER
Really?
ALIEN
Well, most competent in America, where the only things that ever happen are, according to the news.
WALTER
(Not listening) Right… So if I were Jim, I would be piloting a starship?
ALIEN
Captaining it, too.
WALTER
Like on Star Trek?
ALIEN
It deals with exploration, if that’s what you mean.
(WALTER tries to sit up, but is almost strangled by the bonds.)
WALTER
Oh that show is great. Sci-fi is really the pinnacle of human achievement.
ALIEN
Uh-huh.
WALTER
What if I told you I was really James?
(The ALIEN turns around.)
ALIEN
(Suspicious) What purpose would you have in lying?
WALTER
(Obviously reaching) I was… afraid… of being probed.
ALIEN
(Not buying it) WEEEEEELL… less work for me so… yes it shows right here in my notes, you’re clearly James Stoggs.
(He pretends to check his board.)
WALTER
(Having the best day of his life)
Yeah, so cool! So where’s the bridge?
(The ALIEN holds his palm up. The door behind the two slides open, and WALTER is unstrapped. He sits bolt upright.)
ALIEN
This is a scouting vehicle. The main ship is in storage at a nearby star system, where we’re headed.
WALTER
What kind of exploration does the ship do?
ALIEN
(Deadpan) Suicide missions. The crew is mostly inmates. Dangerous inmates. With guns.
WALTER
(With dawning regret) Um… what if I told you I really was Walter.
ALIEN
Then you would be put to death for assuming a false identity. It’s a cultural thing. Now, let me show you around, captain.
(The ALIEN drags WALTER, in near-shock, out the door.)
End Scene.
