Los Ants – Bridgehampton High School (2010)

Los Ants

by Gregorio Rojano

Bridgehampton High School

Click here to watch a video of this performance

Setting: The kitchen table

Both of the characters are ants living in a house. Alfred is eating and Bruce enters.

Bruce: Hey Alfred what are you still doing here? Pack your things man we gotta get out here.

Alfred: Hold on. I’m still eating.

Bruce: Forget that (slaps the food out of Alfred’s hand) we have to leave now. You heard what that fly said! The exterminator is coming in 4 hours.

Alfred: I don’t know, man, that fly is always high from that strange smoke that comes out of the boy’s room.

Bruce: What are you talking about? Everyone left. I have been looking for you so we can get out of here.

Alfred: Okay, Mr. Planner, where are we gonna go? Texas?

Bruce: Uh no. Look I know a place. My cousin said we can go live with him if we ever found ourselves in this situation.

Alfred: Your cousin? You mean that no good fat dirty hustler who can’t even run a gambling ant hole. If he’s thinkin of makin us live there then…

Bruce: Hey! First of all you know you’ve enjoyed yourself every time we went and second he hooked you up with that girl you liked so don’t insult him. He said we can stay at his hole where he lives.

Alfred: Whatever. Where does he live?

Bruce: I think he lives at the end of the road.

Alfred: At the end of the road!? That’s gonna take us a month! He better have food when we get there.

Bruce: Yeah, they’ll be plenty of food, he’s dead. Oops.

Alfred: He’s dead!? You were gonna take us to a place that you’re not even sure where it is and he’s dead?

Bruce: No. They say he left it in my name. Come on let’s just go.

Alfred: So do you know where it is?

Bruce: Uh, yeah, you know we get to the end of the road and then we make a few turns and you know its right there.

Alfred: So you don’t know where it is. (Bruce looks down and shakes his head no.) Do you have another plan?

Bruce: Yeah! You know me I always have a backup plan.

Alfred: Let’s hear it

Bruce: Alright. We sneak out of here real sneaky. Then, we climb the tree outside like mountain climbers. We slither into the birds nest. When he’s sleeping we climb on top of him and wait till he wakes up. He’s gonna fly to the city to go visit his family and when he lands we jump off and run like hell.

Alfred: That sounds like the most dangerous, dumbest plan ever. There isn’t even a bird that lives in the tree outside.

Bruce: Shut up! Come on let’s just leave. We still have time.

Alfred: Alright you go ahead I’ll pack my things and then I’ll catch up with you.

Bruce: Okay, smartass, then you’ll get lost. What’s your problem Alfred why don’t you want to leave were gonna die if we don’t.

Alfred: We’re gonna die if we do leave. We could be out there looking forever. I’d rather stay here and stuff my face till the exterminator comes.

Bruce: Well, I don’t. I have an idea where can stay for a while.

Alfred: I don’t want to hear it. I made up my mind. You can go if you want. All I need is Toucan Sam and his psychedelic friends.

Bruce: Do you really want to stay here? There’s nobody left to mate with.

Alfred: Hmmm. I do like to mate.

Bruce: Alright! Are you sure?

Alfred: No, I’m not sure. Pff (talks to his food) you believe this guy?

Bruce: (Mocking Alfred) You believe this guy? Be that way. Seeing as we only have (looks at the giant clock) 2 hours I’m leaving.

Alfred: Okay, leave. No one’s stopping you.

Bruce: I will and then you’ll be all “Oh I miss Bruce, where’s Bruce”.

Alfred: Shut up! No I won’t. I got all the food I want. Mmm it’s so good.

Bruce: Yeah, and then you’ll go crazy talking to your food.

Alfred: Better than being lost out in the cold lonely world where you don’t know who’s stalking you.

Bruce: Whatever I thought you were my friend but I guess you’re not. (Bruce begins to leave)

Alfred: Uh hey wait. Don’t leave without eating you might starve out there.

Bruce: Ha! I knew you didn’t want me to leave.

Alfred: No! I just don’t want you to starve, that’s all.

Bruce: Hey if you want to join me on my journey through the unknown just say so.

Alfred: I never said I wanted to go with you, ya anthole! I’m just suggesting (in a creepy voice) you eat your last meal, child.

Bruce: Okay, Dr. Lector, whatever you say. But we got a train to catch so let’s go.

Alfred: I never said I was goin with you. If you recall I have a date with Aunt Jemima.

Bruce: What?! Nope let’s go right now young lady. (Walks over to Alfred and grabs his arm but Alfred pushes him away) Hey, what the…

Alfred: No! I’m staying!

Bruce: Hey are you okay?

Alfred: No, I’m not okay. Look you just don’t know what it’s like to constantly move from place to place. Right when I thought we could settle in a nice house my dad would rush us out. I’m sick of it. I lost my family coming here. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this, it’s not like you know what I’m talking about.

Bruce:  Actually I do. I mean about the losing my family. I don’t know what it’s like moving from place to place, you know I was born here.

Alfred: What could you possibly know? What happened they all got trapped in the freezer?

Bruce: No. We all use to live in the basement but that damn lady thought it be a good idea to do some spring cleaning. I was outside for the whole weekend with my grasshopper girlfriend. When I came back I found them all as flat as paper, so don’t tell me I don’t know what it’s like to lose my family.

Alfred: Damn that sucks. I’m sorry.

Bruce: Yeah, I can’t believe I let her go. Her legs went on forever.

Alfred: What did you say?

Bruce: I said I miss my family no could make me feel loved like them. Especially my brothers you remind me of them. I guess that’s why I like you as friend so much.

Alfred: Yeah my family was the best. They knew how to make me have that warm fuzzy feelin.

Bruce: Oh, so I never touched you like they did?

Alfred: You’re the best at it. You always know how to make me laugh when I feelin down.

Bruce: And you know how to keep me well behaved like my grandmother use to. You see we need each other.

Alfred: I guess you’re right. I never depended on anyone like I do with you.

Bruce: I’m right? I’m Bruce. Let’s get out of here STAT!

Alfred: I still don’t know. Where are gonna go?

Bruce: Who cares we have each other. We can go where the wind takes us. Me and you together can take over the world.

Alfred: You know what, I’m goin with you. I got nothing to lose. Let’s go!

Bruce: That’s the spirit! Let’s march onward!

Alfred: Yeah, let’s go. Oh, wait, watch that puddle of jelly.

Bruce: Oh shit, thanks. Let’s do it!

Together: The ants go marching one by one hoorah, hoorah. The ants go marching one by one hoorah…

Alfred: Wait, wait, wait is it me or is it getting darker in here?

(They look around. It is getting darker. A shadow falls across their path.)

Bruce: Hey, it’s not night yet what’s going on?

Alfred: What’s that giant thing comin closer to us?

Bruce: I think it’s… Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh! (They both get sprayed by the exterminator)


The End


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