Google – Pierson, Sag Harbor (YAWP Summer Workshops)
Google by Reilly Rose Schombs
GOOGLE: Anything, ask me anything. I’ll guarantee you a logical answer. I mean I’m not a know it all, I just, well, know it all. I get many commands questions and demands and my clients get many answers. But do the technology zombies ever wonder? What, how, (pause) who? Do they ever wonder who? Who is the mastermind behind the screen? (Elise shuts laptop revealing the face of Google) Um hi… I’m Google. I’m here to serve you for the rest of my life. Do I want to do this? Huh? What’s this? Are…are you asking, asking about me? Me? (Chuckles) I don’t have much experience with that question. But to answer your question, NO. No I don’t want to give kids the answers to their test questions. I don’t want to help them cheat. Nor do I want to tell them if pigs can fly. I mean. They know that. Or at least they should. So I’m Google the know it all and this is what I deal with.
ELISE: Ugg (rolls eyes) stupid Google.
GOOGLE: (sassily) gurl what did u just say?
ELISE: Let me restate that. Should a person want to be a know it all. (Makes way to upper stage left typing)
GOOGLE: (to the audience) I should’ve known she wasn’t talking to me. (Looks toward Elise who is still typing upper left) that over there, she’s Elise she’s like my pet zombie. She listens to everything I say. And I’m basically her guide to life. Its funny in the stupidest way, but sometimes, it gets really, really, really, annoying. Like can’t she figure out the answer to questions like,
ELISE: (speaks choppily as if speaking while typing) what should my favorite food be?
GOOGLE: (as if speaking to a baby) (talking step by step) Go to a restaurant, (pause) buy food, (pause) and your brain will decide weather you like it, (voice crescendos) OR NOT!
ELISE: Geez (sarcastically) thanks Google. (As Elise puts phone down from face, Google goes back down under desk, laptop is on) (Giggles and rolls eyes) that was Google, my apologies.
I want to be like Google (sighs and looks down at phone dreamily) a know it all. I want to be smart and all but my parents say (imitates moms voice) “it sure won’t happen sweetheart if you don’t get off that phone.” She’s the one that’s always making work calls and emails. (Imitates fathers voice) “The only reason I can use my phone 24/7 is because I earned it. You know it’s hard to work at Apple” Sure father sure, you work hard for your job but you should work a bit harder on being a father. (Short pause) but, whatever. I don’t need to ask him to show me how to make a paper airplane, I have the internet, and I have Google.
ELISE: Is Nash Grier single? (typing)
GOOGLE: (Overwhelmed) Oh, why do I know the answer to this question? Teenage girls.
ELISE: Are you gonna’ give me an answer (click) or nahhhhhh
GOOGLE: (bored) Nash Grier is a 16-year-old actor who became famous through vine and started to make YouTube videos too. Nash currently does not have a girlfriend.
ELISE: Oh la la (dances and skips around gleefully)
GOOGLE: (meanwhile Google gets and idea) Nash’s “ask Nash” video is most favored. The 25th word.
ELISE: I didn’t ask…but okay (confused/nervous laugh) I’ll uh, take a look. (mutters to herself) and what the heck does a 25th word have to do with it.
(Elise exits stage right looking down at phone. Elise bumps into a sign of some sort)
GOOGLE: Hopefully Elise gets the hint, the hint of the 25th word. If I can at least get her to find the picture.
(Google goes back down under the desk)
ELISE: Photographer…the 25th word is photographer, but what does that have to do with anything? So what Bryant Enslava is Nash Griers photographer, what do I care
ELISE: Google keeps glitching and going to this page, god he’s so self centered. What if I don’t want to go to that page. no matter how hard he tries nobody is ever going to care about what he thinks BECAUSE HE ISNT REAL! He isn’t anything close to a family as hard as I try. He can’t take me to the park and push me on the swings he cant swim with me in the pool and play marco polo, and he cant laugh, he can’t laugh like a father can. (getting worked up and angry) You hear that Google? Oh wait you can’t hear because your just some program everyone uses to substitute for a family. And he’ll never be anything more.
(Google’s face expression changes and he seems more angry)
ELISE: (turns on phone and starts typing) Is Quinoa good for you?
GOOGLE: Why? Do you eat it? Is that why your so fat?
ELISE: WHAT, WHAT THE-
GOOGLE: More like, what the heck were you thinking when you put on that outfit today?
ELISE: I’m supposed to be the one asking the questions here
GOOGLE: Well you have been asking me all the questions and now it my turn to ask a bit of you.
ELISE: (nervous chuckle) Is this some sort of joke? Who are you?
GOOGLE: Um… hi I’m Google and you’re here to serve me for the rest of your life.
ELISE: No… wait no, its supposed to be the other way around.
GOOGLE: Well it has been that way for the last (long pause in thought) well, it has been that way for like ever I guess, (voice returns to creepy evil) but stop living in the past my ugly little duckling.
ELISE: Google, it’s over!
GOOGLE: (voice returns to normal) got her out of the way! Like one billion to go!!!!!!!