Deadly Watermelon (2018)

(L. to R. Yanni Bitis as James, Lola Lama as Diana)

Deadly Watermelon

By Hudson Galardi-Troy


Click here to watch Deadly Watermelon

Scene One: Grocery Store

Diana- Alright don’t look now but every time I come to the grocery store there is always this really weird cashier, Jeremy, who stares at me and I don’t know why. (Peeks out from behind aisle). It’s not like I know him or anything. It’s not like I’ve even had a conversation past the point of “how much are these cheese doodles,” or him telling me about the special discount on pinto beans.” But other than that — nothing, and I don’t get it. Why are you looking at me!! (Screams).

(Sits down on the floor behind isle)

Diana – I really wish he would stop. I wanted to switch to another grocery store but the only other one in town is the health food store. I went there and they tried to get me to buy tofu instead of steak– don’t get me started on tofu. Anyways i’m stuck here with Jeremy and its freaking me out.

James- First off, I don’t know what crazy over there told you but let me set you straight. First of all, she’s always staring at me. Creepy.  And she tells people my name is like Jeremy or something but it is actually James. Ugh, I know the customer is always right but this lady is always insane.

Diana- Did he just say I was crazy? Ugh. I hate him.

James- All I know is I really need a new job

Diana- All I know is I really need a new food source, maybe I could hunt or scavenge.

James- I can’t even talk to her about WHAT ??  Last time we just started yelling at each other and I almost got fired.

Diana- I can’t believe he hasn’t been fired yet — like did they even do a background check on him? I bet he escaped from an insane asylum or something.

(They awkwardly walk past each other)

Diana- Hi Jeremy

James- Hello (holding back anger)

Diana- (once she is out of earshot) Ugh


(Diana grabs her last item off the shelf)

Diana- Now for my least favorite part of the day. I actually have to go over to him because he is the only cashier working here.

James – (through his teeth) Hi how may I help you

Diana- I’m buying food obviously

James-Ok ok. Can you put your stuff up here then. (Diana hesitates but does after a second or two)

Diana- Did you see that, why else would he need to pick up my food unless he was trying to poison me.

James- Thank you, have a nice day (grimacing)

Diana- I can’t eat any of this (throws all the food in a trash can) except this popcorn it looks too good to throw away.

James- Thank god she’s gone.

Diana- I’m actually scared for my life. (Serious) I need to kill him before he kills me

James- I wonder what I’ll have  for dinner?


Scene Two: James’ House

(James opens the door and goes inside)

(Diana pops out from behind a  bush)

Diana- Alright so here’s the plan. While James was at work I broke… invited myself into his house (she kicks a crowbar behind bush) and poisoned his food. Let him have a taste of his own medicine.

(Diana looks through window and sees James going to the refrigerator)

Diana- Wait! I’ve made a mistake I don’t actually want to kill him, i just want him to quit his job. I have to get that food back.

(Diana bangs on door. James looks confused, walks over and opens the door)

James- Hello, you! What are you doing here? You know, I’m not at work so I don’t have to be nice to you now.

Diana-Umm, yeeeahhh that’s why I came — to apologize to you …

James- Oh ok. Thanks I guess (starts to close door)

Diana- Wait, aren’t you going to invite me in so we can like talk about it? (She looks for the quickest route to the kitchen)

James- Oh sure (confused and creeped out)

Diana- Thanks

James- I was actually just making dinner. I’m having watermelon. Do you want some?

Diana- NO!

James- (aside) Why did I let this freak into my house.

Diana- (slowly making her way to the table) So what’s it like working at the grocery store?

James-It’s ok for the most part, just some people are really annoying

Diana- Yeah I have annoying people at my job also

James- A job? What do you do?

Diana-What– Did you just assume all I did was stay home with my cats and dress them up and grocery shop?

James- Yeah kinda

Diana- Well  am actually a very successful business woman

James- What sort of business?

Diana- (proud) I hand make and sell bedazzled baby shoes

James- Wooooow (Sarcastic)

(As James turns to the refrigerator and Diana grabs the watermelon and puts it under her shirt)

James-Woah what’s that under your shirt.

Diana- Oh you noticed! I am expecting thank you very much

James- Oh congratulations. But that was kinda quick.

Diana- Yeah …what’s that (throws something from table as a distraction and grabs the last part of poisoned food).

James- Whoa — what was that?

Diana- oh it was probably nothing. I better be on my way.

James-No.  Now that I’m getting to know you, your not as terrible as I actually thought.(Sarcasm).

Diana -I really have to be going. (Drops watermelon)

James-Is that my watermelon?

Diane- Ummmm… what?

James-That is obviously my watermelon. I’m not mad, just confused. Why were you stealing it,? It’s not like you were trying to poison me but thought better of it and decided to sneak into my house under the rouse of an apology so you could steal it back and I wouldn’t die right?

Diane- Of course not! (Throws it offstage) Well I better be going.

James- Mr. Cattttt! Don’t eat that! You’re allergic to watermelon! (Runs offstage) Nooooooo !!!! (comes back with limp cat) You killed my cat!

Diane- No it’s not what it looks like.

James- You broke into my house, you tried to kill me.

Diane-I’m sorry it was a mistake, I tried to save you.

James- Save me? You killed my cat — and almost killed me.

Diane- I’m sorry I’m sorry

James- Ohhhh I’ve waited a long time for this (He reaches behind a chair)

Diana- What are you gonna do! (starts crying)

(James walks over with his hands behind his back)

James-(pulls a camera out and takes her photo) You are officially banned from my grocery store. (turns to leave, turns back) Also? don’t eat that popcorn.

(Black out)

L. to R. Lola Lama (Diana), Hudson Galardi-Troy (playwright), Yanni Bitis (James)

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